Day 22 : Confoundists

con·found (kənˈfound/ verb) 
cause surprise or confusion in (someone), especially by acting against their expectations.

Life is an immensely complicated and deceptive beast. Every single moment that you'd hoped would turn out good, life eventually turns it into something entirely different. No amount of preparation and virtuous effort form your side even made a dent on the trajectory that life has assumed for itself. It will be as it will be, and you don't have any say on it.

I have been expecting this for so long now that I have actually noticed that nothing actually surprises me anymore. Nothing actually fazes me or rattles my stride. I have begun to unconsciously always expect a surprise around the corner that would flush all of my efforts down the drain and make me to start all over again. Square one isn't actually where I am sent back to, it usually is where I am usually. And I have made such a comfy nest down here, square one is really not half bad.

You see, I have seen people dream about the places they hope to be, the goals they hope to achieve or the things they wish to hold in their own hands. People seeing themselves in a better place in life than where they are right now. And for me, right here and right now, is reality. Real world is where all my troubles prizes are, here is where I should be too.

When people compare themselves with other who seem to have it better than themselves. I sort of compare myself with people with much unfortunate circumstances than myself. There is always that one day in life that you were down and disheartened. Deeply sad about the way things were. If your today is even a tiny bit better than that day. Dude, you're thriving. Being successful in life does not always mean having the best of everything and being famous and rich and prosperous. Sometimes it just mean being able to find content and joy and essential wonder in the life that you live than be bogged down with the regret of not having the life that you hope to live.

Life will keep on throwing curve balls at you. You will always be expected to find new ways to deflect them. And you need to be swift at it too, cause before you know it life would have already launched another covert attack into your happy place.

Always expect surprises. Always know in your very being that things will not go as you think it will. Always be prepared for any darn outcome in life. Prepare yourself. The surprises that life throws at you are not meant to confound you and confuse you into submission. They are to empower to succeed.

If something happens that you were never really prepared for - fall down, lift yourself up, and get back at it. Give it another try. If not the second or third or even the tenth, somewhere down the line you will succeed.

And succeed you will. For you are not rattled anymore, you are a Confoundist.

Day 15 : Being Chill

I noticed something today. I'd gotten way too laid back than I used to be. I do not get angry at stuff anymore. I cannot remember the last time that I was actually angry at anyone or anything. And that is a huge departure from the way I used to treat every minor offence that used to happen in life. If anything or especially anyone in life gave the slightest cause for friction, I would be up in arms in a matter of seconds.

I was extremely reactionary to everything in life, and that used to reflect with the sort of friends I used to have back then. Guys I used to hang out in my latter days of school, were exactly the sort of people if you saw on the street, would quickly avert your eyes and look the other way. No one liked to be on the receiving end of their teenage rebellion.

This went on for quite a while. I guess I had a bit of it still when I got into high school and college, but this was usually the kind of aggression you'd throw about you when you're provoked. And even then there was always something that would stop me from throwing my fist around. It probably was due to my size, I have always been among the big guys in any group of people I've been in. so clearly any sort of shoving from my side would bruise the other party involved. So I'd conditioned myself early on to avoid doing that. But damn, I do miss shoving somebody around though.

I really don't know what's changed. For most other changes in life, I guess I can state an actual point in time where something or someone helped decide the change. Be it family, or friendship or money. There is always that one incident that shaped or destroyed my outlook on things. But for the loss of this once ever-present aggression I have no answer.

Anger used to be whole lot of fun though. Being able to be the loudest guy in the room did have its advantages. You can practically win any argument. Being right in a debate is second to being the loudest one. 

But now, in this watered down persona that I seemed to have taken up, getting your idea through into the other person's thick skull does take a lot of effort. And damn, is it tedious. There are times when you would just like to that guy's shoulders in your hands and shake him around until the idea you're trying to explain actually filters down into his brain. But heck, no you cannot do that, you are being the non-violent kind remember? You just will have to bite down on your frustration and have another go at it. Get the dumbass to actually comprehend what you are trying to say instead of trying to scare it into him.

Well you can always imagine tearing his limb apart one by one while you are explaining the stuff to him. I am sure that would still count as being mellow. You are only trying to calm yourself by imagining it. Of course that's allowed. Right?

Day 76 : The Mercy of Passion

 I am reading a book called 'The Burden of Proof' by Scott Turow. It’s nothing exciting or anything. Just another bland legal-crime drama with the usual familial intrigues cliché "gotcha" twists. I liked one of Turow's longer books called 'Laws of Our Fathers', which comes under this same Kindle County series this book comes from. So obviously I thought to give another of his book a shot. So far, it’s pretty daily fare, haven't really come to appreciate it yet.

As with every book I read, there comes a page or a sentence or a phrase that is so well coined and expressed it makes sense why a writer has made it big when all of the other wannabe writers get lost in the vast nothingness of self-published amazon books.

The phrase in question - "The mercy of passion"

The context of it wasn't as jarring as the implications this phrase can take on. At that moment, as is usual, I put the e-reader down and go on the mental somersault of weird philosophical contemplation or letting the grey matter between our ears go on a trot. Usually ends up in a rather depressing state really. But I sort of enjoy having the luxury of being able to go on this little excursion every once in a while and pretend to be able to be using our brains for something other than the mundane routine of our daily lives.

That's where I guess the passion part of today's discourse comes in I guess. Not many people are lucky enough to have found the one big passion of their lives. The one thing that drives them and eventually shapes their whole life. People spend almost all of their adolescent life trying to find it, adult life trying to chase it, and all their elder life regretting that they never chasing tails all their life. And also, having that passion in you in some ways makes you invincible or rather immune to a lot of things. You will be excused with having to endure a lot of mundane things in life you have this image of being passionate about something. "Oh, he doesn't attend social gatherings like weddings and such. He believes these commitments compels him to take away his time better spent following molecular biology." "Oh, she doesn't do dating. She believes it being a figment of patriarchal tradition trying to shove misogynistic ideologies down women's throats." "Oh, he cannot pay the rent this month. He believes paying for rent makes him short of funds better spent gambling."

A lot of people are passionate about a lot of things in life. Not everything that would be considered good by everyone. But the thing is, I don't think it matters really. If you like what you do. And by pursuing it you are not breaking any laws or harming anyone. Well, more power to you. Go ahead, follow your heart’s desire. At least you are not dragging your lives one day at a time, evermore closer to your deathbed. So what happens if you don't you don't achieve your dreams, at least you can tell yourself on your deathbed that you tried. Maybe this mercy that you can grant yourself on the deathbed would be the one that decides if yours was a life worth living or just another live that was. 

I don't really think there is anything on the other side of death. Once you die, that's about it. Done. Fin. Nothing but a vast blackness that pours over you until the end of time. You just don't exist anymore. You as a person, as whatever name they call you and your body now, is done. So what defines you is what you do of your life while you have it. And passion plays a big thing in that. We all just need to find something that we are eagerly and honestly passionate about. It doesn't have to be something like an unattainable goal. It just can be something that you enjoy doing that you can just keep doing every day and not be tired of. If your day right now doesn't include more of that, ensure that tomorrow does. Make plans to spend more time each day for that thing that you feel you are passionate about. That way as the years pass on there will come a point in life where you find that your whole day is spent doing that one thing of which you are passionate. And that one day. That one point in life. That is Heaven.

Day 74 : WTH

I haven't written here in a while. Yes, I have excuses for it. But no point giving it out here, they're excuses nonetheless. This blog does come to mind almost every other afternoon while I am at work. I even open up the 'new post' page a few times but something else comes up or I drift away to do something else. (ADHD much?)

Just goes to show how much importance we seem to give for our New Year’s resolutions.

Anyhoo..

Um. Let's see what we shall talk about today. I don't know really. All I thought about coming here today was, damn I really should be adding a post in there soon. I do intend to write something worth the while in here, but of late I don't find many things happening that can be really seen as positive in any way. There is this GoodNews site that I visit often, but even in there updates come too infrequently of late. I don't know if it's cuz they are downsizing in there, or whether it is just that even they are not finding enough good news floating around anywhere in the planet anymore. I do hope it's not the latter. And if it is the first, that would still count as not a GoodNews. (Irony?)

Every time I open the newspapers (or mostly any news site). The page is always filled with terror attacks/scares, shootings, killers on the loose, massacres, rapes, financial meltdowns, quakes, pollution, draught. Damn. No wonder people are so pissed off these days. Anger and chaos is what the newspapers are filled with.

At my work, whenever I open the Google News page, I am taken to the US Edition of the headlines. Couple of weeks back there was this shooting of a couple of early morning breakfast TV show hosts in Virginia, US. And you know what's more, as sad and devastating as the news of the killing was, the very next headline on that same page was about some celebrity being bitchy about some other female celebrity's comment about her. I don't know why, though they are both very different news sites and completely different topics, seeing them together like that made me feel like this was somehow trivializing the whole incident. Let the horror sink in just a little bit before you take our attention away to celebrity gossip.

I don't suppose that makes any sense to you. Let me elaborate.

These past couple of years there has been a big outburst of violence all over the globe, every single country has their own raising stats in the 'death by violent-crimes' category. That is the only are for any increase that I see for any country now. But I don't see people getting nabbed for their crimes at the same rate as the crimes are being committed. There are so many killings, and assaults, and violence in so many places.

Are we in some way collectively getting overly violent as a specie? Or has something really gone wrong along the way and we're all now destined to end up on the path of The Purge. And I am still not very sure how that thing works!

This bloody mess doesn't make any sense. When did such things get so common? Aren't things like such extreme violence and crazed psychotic episodes happen a few times a decade? Isn't this happening way too often now? Or is it just me. Am I only seeing this?

Apparently not... Watch this!

I am scared... I am scared for all of us... We are all collectively loosing our sh*t.

Day 66 : Eggs In The Basket

I think it was Warren Buffet, who said, 

'Do not put your eggs in many baskets.

Keep all your eggs in one basket, but watch that basket closely.'

I do get what he was talking about now. 

Why you ask? Well let’s just say that I've been graced with an array of a few very exciting eggs for the past couple of months. Few very interesting prospects indeed. Things were looking to get all the more interesting very soon as well. But of late, mostly this month, I've been witnessing them eggs go to rot one by one. Not a pretty sight as you could obviously guess. And not a single thing I can do about it either. 

Don't fret now, this not going to be a depressing post with my whining about stuff. I am not one to spill my shit in the open. At least not on this blog, I have another blog for my thinly veiled autobiographical fiction.

Anyways, back to the eggs. There are a few things in there, I think now, that I could've handled better and sooner. But most of these things were as then kept on a slow flame cooking away, so I'd obviously thought to give it sometime, let it all stew for a while. Thought everything will play out just fine in the end. A very amateur move indeed. When has anything ever come anybody's way by just waiting for it? Woody Allen famously said - 'Eighty percent of success is just showing up.' Well damn, there wasn't even much of a chance of showing up in here. If at all there was, nobody clued me in anything about the location.

My point in all of this is - Mr. Buffet was right. 

You see, when there are a lot of things going around with you. You end up juggling all of them simultaneously and inevitably raising the chances of them fouling up on you pretty soon. One by one all of your chances have gone kaput. When so many things are going on, there is really not much chance for you to concentrate on one specific thing. And you end up giving a lot of the stuff up to chance and luck. These little thing that you over look or just plain think as inconsequential, are the things that come up out of the blue and bite you in the ass. Luck is never a harbinger of success. Luck is just a friend that comes by to meet you once in a blue moon, only to find that he's got the wrong address and gets cozy with the lady staying at the wrong door he knocks. Luck never gets to you when you need it, even when it does come to you a lot if it is plain cross connection.

And how often does that really happen?

Getting your hopes in a bunch of different things will only get you day dreaming a lot more. Start avoiding putting in the extra effort you usually does. Even start being smug with the people around you. I guess it is much practical to hope for one thing at a time, and prime up all your efforts for just that one thing.

This way you are giving this one thing your all, you have the most to say about what the outcome is, you are in CONTROL.

This will also mean that when things get sour, you have nobody else to blame but your damn self. Nobody likes to own up to any of the blame, and just to avoid that there is a good chance that you will start working extra hard for the thing that you desire. You are in CONTROL.

These things have a lot to do with our own sense of purpose I suppose. We cannot just waltz through life thinking that good things would just be dropped into our laps. Wish it were that easy. Some blows in life will take you by surprise; some will take your breath away. But every single blow thrown at you will make you wary of the next. You will be aware if life tries to sucker punch the same way again. And if you let it happen again, you can't really blame anyone for it. You've taken it before, and still were no wiser for it the next time. It is wholly your fault.

I suppose we all could be more unidirectional with our progress through life. You cannot go to sleep wishing to be an astronaut one day and dream of being a musician the next. Things have to happen gradually and over a long strenuous period of time. And all through that long duration, you have to bust you ass working on whatever it is you desire. That ONE thing you desire.

Get all of the eggs that you want for yourself. Club them into this one big dream basket.

Work. Your. Ass. Off.

Make sure that basket doesn’t come down torn on top of you, with egg yolk and egg shells all over your head, and you looking like a darn fool.

Day 61 : Mister Right and Miss Cool Girl

I’d just gotten off the phone with a serious headache and resonating 'eeeeee' noise in my ears. Well, you try get off an hour long call with a hyperactive girl trying to explain how frigging awesome her new boyfriend is. Let me save you the hassle, it is torture. Especially, if you've been having a nascent crush on this girl for some time. Why don't I do anything you ask? Well she's an old school mate, and one of my best friends in school dated her for a while. And you do not mess with the Bro-Code. But damn man, how was I to know she’d grow up to be such a hottie. Shame.

Anyways, now after a round of some aspirin-like pill and a drink of cold water, here I am sitting in front of my machine trying to work. And there is this one thing about our conversation that keeps coming back to me. Every other sentence she'd say 'and you know what just feels so RIGHT about him...' then she'd proceed to tell me just what mind-numbingly cheesy thing this dork did to get her to make out with him. (No! Of course I am not jealous at all. I promise.)

She is one of those girls who thinks that the guy who quits a bunch of his favorite things just to please her. Or does cute things for her, even if he doesn't realize he is. Is the one for her. Let me just tell one thing to all the women out there, we completely realize what we are doing! Do you think any one of us dumbasses is capable of being Mr. Right just by divine fate? Hell no! A lot of meticulous planning and a history of messed-up experience/research goes into creating your version of Mr. Right. So if you think you have found your Mr. Right, who simply just seems to get you, take my word for it this guy, this wonderful guy, has had a lot of practice being a dick with other girls till he got around to priming his game to as you know it now.

We men are not perfect, not even by a long shot. We are dirty, stinky, lazy dumbasses who like doing dumb shit just 'cause. We hate doing those girly things that you love so much. And we definitely hate that cute flowery bed sheet you bought into our bedrooms last month! We do not enjoy haircuts; we get them because growing greasy dreadlocks with occasional Cheetos in it is frowned upon at work. I mean, we would all be sitting there on our couches in the same set of clothes (or not at all) and watch TV all day if society didn't make it a mandate to pay for stuff. If men had their way the world would be a much shabbier (albeit awesome) place than it is now.

And don't get me wrong, you women are no walk in the park either. Hypocrites. You will walk about in high heels, spend like a thousand bucks on cosmetics a week and then turn around and say how misogynous today’s society is. I mean, come on, you are the one who is portraying yourself as the prepped up doll each week to score points with the leering crowd. I am hell sure that you don't buy those thongs and them underwire bras just cause of the heavenly comfort of them. I know society's dealt you with a shitty hand, but with all these fake stuff all over you are only playing right into their trap. Heck, even mother nature seems to have given you enough of bother with all that childbirth and PMS and whatnots.

You women are not perfect. You are complex, too needy, too kind, too generous, too naive, too sick, too angry, too mellow, too silent, too bold, and too shy. And that is just during the first half of your day. By the end of your lunch break you turn into something different altogether. And people around you have to start from scratch again to try making sense of any of it.

Men will never understand women. And women are forever destined to crave for a guy who just 'gets them'. Both are forever destined for disappointment.

We are all programmed by the media, and the books, and the songs about the kind of people we need to look for as suitable mates. Or the kind of things our spouses have to do to earn any of our affection. I am one of those people who just think all that is BULLSHIT!

There is no one method to find somebody that you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. Nor is there any one specific test that this person has to pass to make it into your good graces. Love has to just happen, I suppose. Affection does not come out of a do-it-yourself box. You cannot do this, this, and this, and the - 'Voila! The girl is in love with you'.

There is no Mister Right and there is no Miss Cool Girl. Get over that dream, ladies and beeps.

None of us is perfect. We are all just bunch of ugly, complex, pieces of messed up baggage walking around in search for some companionship. The best we can do is find somebody with whom we can be completely honest, and pray to Lord Almighty that this person doesn't turn chicken out of the blue and get his scared ass out of there before you can say 'noodle soup'.

Day 60 : What is Honor?

Honor can mean so many things to so many people. All I know for sure now is, that it used to mean whole lot more earlier, than what it stands for now. Everybody is out there playing their own version of the Game. Everyone scheming, and moving their life around to build their own little castles in the air. Most think that what they do actually mean something. It will lead to something worthwhile for everyone. But in the end what most of it leads to is just another sorry excuse made by a sorry-ass prick trying to make sense of whatever shit it is that he is doing right now. There's this one line that I've heard someplace. 'If you are doing something that calls for you having to do explainin' and shit, take my word for it, that something is most definitely ain't good.'

There is not much hope for anyone these days to go out there and that things will get handed over to him on a silver platter. 'Things that have to go wrong will go wrong'. That guy Murphy knew it before any of y'all and he was a bloody right about it. The best we can do now is just hope that we do not mess things up so much that we screw the people around us as well in the process. I guess that is the only honorable thing that we can manage to do now-a-days. Do our crap to ourselves. Mess things up for ourselves. But when we go out and do things to other's life that is when we've gone and done wrong for sure.

These things have no coming back from. You will forever be 'That Guy'. You will have that title follow wherever you go. Even if they do not say it your face. Once they know that you have it in you to harm them in any way. They will shut out a part of themselves for you. A part that was always open for you to come and go as you please, is not closed shut for business. In the beginning you will not notice it, but that silent sigh once in a while. And do-what-you-have-to shrug when you ask them for an opinion about something, they all add up one day like a small tornado building up to become one that bring down skyscrapers.

Every relationship that you build in life isn't completely incorruptible. Relationships are actually very easy to get go ripe and rot at the drop of a hat. Everyone only likes the people who treats them well and gets things done when they need it. Yes it is a little selfish maybe. But when you sit and think about it, don't you think that is what everything comes down to? Can you name anyone in your life except your parents that has ever done good anything for you, 'just because'? Even some of the siblings and spouses do bad shit to each other all the time. Doesn't mean that they do not love you. In a way they do, a lot even. But then as we all know, love is corruptible as well, a lot.

I suppose things don't really need to be this way. Things can be a lot better between people. But people can only be as they are. And people are just big bags of messed up emotions and priorities. We do bad things for no reason and most just at the spur of the moment with little or no thought process going into it. We obfuscate our existence in the process and are forever destine ask ourselves in the dead of the night, 'What am I doing with my life?'

Honor. Isn't what it used to be? It still can be. If not for the fact that there aren't many honorable men/women left out there anymore.

We all bungle and botch our way through lives. We are all destined to make a mess of things. The least of honorable thing we can do is to not let any of reach into life of others. I guess we owe at least that much to the ones we hold dear.

Today, try to be honorable.

Day 53 : The Voices In Our Head

There is a little flower that blooms on the pile of garbage, on a piece of bark, on a moss of green.

I've never seen a sight more hopeful, this flurry of color, on brown and dirt, in the midst of stink and reek.

I look at the life of those around me, and mine. At the toil and the gripe we feel it to be. At the helplessness we feel trying to cope with it.

There must be something that still pushes us forward. To live each day. Survive as best as we could, not give in to the despair. Why then must we think of putting up with this torture each day?

I see strength when people to put a strong face and go about their lives. Or is it pride?

We are all too strong for our own good I guess. We are all maybe waiting for someone to hear our silent calls for help. We are all needy but hate to show it.

We still dream of it. We think someone will come save us. So we wait, hoping for the day to come.

That is why we all do not give in to the voices in our heads. After all, nobody will hear our cries with the barrel of a gun between our teeth.

Day 50 : You're not the Master of Your Own Destiny

We are all inherently narcissistic specie. We all have a sense of grandeur that we take for granted each day; the sense that we matter. We are all somebody and the each thing that we do or say or feel matters.

Honestly, I don't think any of it does amount to much really. Things in the world are always going to happen even if we do not go out of our ways to craft our destiny. Sure there are a bunch of image quotes out there that would preach to you otherwise. The "You are the Master of your own Destiny" bull crap. Do you actually think any of that is true?

How many of us can truly say that they have always wanted to be where they are right now in life? Did you actually hope to have this dead end job? Or live in that garbage dump of an apartment? Or have such a destructive relationship with your folks? Or such a prick of a spouse? No one plans on getting screwed by life. It just happens. Some Master of Destiny we are.

We are all just specks of dust in the grand scale of things. And by that I am in no ways proposing the theory that there is some grand plan for all that is happening around us. Really? What was the grand plan in a four year old girl getting violated by a tire wrench? Or when a douche bag wins a jackpot only to drink himself to death?

There is no grand plan to anything. You are no master of your own destiny. Things are, just because they are. You can only pretend to have any semblance of control over it. But in just a fraction of a second, your life as you know it can be turned upside down without you even realizing it.

The best that anyone can really hope for is to be able to live a decent life, be good to each other, not make many enemies, and die knowing that you've known true joy during you existence on this planet. I could add love to that equation, but I guess that is a conversation for a different time altogether. Love as its defined now, doesn't really exist. Love is just best form companionship that does not depend on some sort of greed. If it does, it isn't love.

I won't pretend to know what the whole point of our existence is. But I will surely say this much that. Our life doesn't have to mean anything. And if we keep fixating on giving it a meaning. All we would be accomplishing is watching the days go by and suddenly we are a bunch of 80 year olds with a lot of unfulfilled dreams.

Today, stop corrupting your minds with unrealistic mumbo jumbo.

Day 46 : The Beast of Depression

There is this one thing that I've often wondered about  - that I do wonder a lot.

There are times with a book or a movie or a wall in front of me;  and I just stare blankly at it with my mind somewhere seas apart.

I am sure a lot many people do this. After all it is so comfortable there inside our heads. The world is such a convenient place. We can be as brave as we want. There is no one smarter than us there. We always know all the right words to say. We won’t have to be cautious about anything here, and always will all the battles. This world is so much prettier than the real world. Who wants this 'real' world anyway? A world filled with burden and sorrow and bitter disappointments. Half the time our life is spent making up for lost opportunities, and the rest is spent wallowing over how we’ll never make up for the loss no matter how much we try.

We all have a deep depressing beast inside all of us that we never fully understand, let alone satisfy. This beast is always going to push and prod us and hold something or the other over our head. This beast will always wail and shed rivers of tears over the sadness that we've have brought upon us and the over the people we hold dear. This beast knows just what to say and show us to bring us over to his side. It will always have that power to tantalize us into thinking there is no scope of victory; that there is no chance of any change in the tide of events.

Things were always sad and hopeless for you, and just because you decide to do something to fight it won't mean your future would be any different.

We in our inexplicable way always feed its hunger. This dark beast breeds off of your hopelessness and grows bigger and fiercer by the day, till the time when you are nothing but a hollow shell of the person you were. You lose your battle even before the results are declared.

Our lives are just too confusing and tiring for any of us to hope to keep hold of our sanity for any long duration. Every once in a while you will find yourself that you have started lashing out at the people around you. Or that you are holed up in a room letting nobody in. Or spending more means to try and keep people away from you; letting them see the bags under your eyes due to the lack of sleep. You sulk around, drag your feet, and sigh your sad sighs over every blow you take. Fate has beaten the life-force out of you. And now your existence seems nothing but a sad process to the eventual downfall to mental annihilation.

But you see... sometimes, you also find a little glimmer of light showing at the end of the tunnel. This bleak damp seemingly endless tunnel of despair you’re in has an end!

You slowly bring yourself you move your feet towards the light. It is hard work, your legs are heavy with the weight of all the burdens and sorrow that you have been carrying through all this time. But still slowly but surely they keep moving forward. Even your body knows how much you need to see that light with your eyes. You move forward.

Slowly your shoulder seems to grow weary, the burden seems too tough to bear anymore. And the light is so close now; you can almost feel its warmth. You cannot stop for a break now. You cannot trust yourself to make it this far again. You shrug your shoulders and let the burden slowly slid off of you one by one. It feels so much better now. You almost chuckle wondrously at how it easy it was to let go of the weight. It seemed so fearsome before. You look back and see all of you misfortunes lying there behind you like your many footprints in the sand of time. So small.

Now you are there. Right in front of the end of the tunnel. There is a door there. It is old wood, seems sodden and damp with age. This door has not been used in a long while. But there is warm air through its hinges, and from below it there is sunny yellow light pushing through onto your feet. Your feet look bloody and dirty with you waddling through your dark tunnel. But now in that light, you like the look of it. It seems callous but firm and hard, ready to step confidently through whatever may be in store for you beyond that bright inviting sunshine.

Today, you shall open that door and step into the light.

Day 45 : Loyalty

Loyalty. It is something that is always thrown on somebody's face just to remind them of that little favor that we've done for them, while feigning it was not a big deal, but now have come in cash in on that.

Loyalty. It is that is thrown on a spouses face when he/she is caught lewd texting a co-worker while we ourselves sniff and eyeball every attractive person of the opposite sex that we come across.

Loyalty. It is that thing which is shoved down your throat every time your favorite team plays, you've been rooting for that team for so long that right now it doesn't even makes any sense why you started in the first place.

Loyalty. It is that thing that your soon-to-be ex-bosses uses while pointing fingers at you when you put in your papers. While they themselves have switched at least half a dozen companies in a just as many years.

Loyalty. Is overrated.

There was a time when it really meant something to support and feel true to a cause. Or to a country or a creed or a person. There was a sense of right in it. A sense of honor of sticking to your faith in something. But as the sense of honor in anything lost its importance. So did loyalty.

Today loyalty is just used as a baton to lash you into submission. You didn't like this thing that we as a mob believe in? You are not loyal. You are a dishonorable piece of frog dung.

Well, the truth is I don't believe that anyone can be that loyal in this day and age. At least not to an entity that they don't see or touch or have to go home to each night. I believe the loyalty to the abstract belongings of the past era is gone. Today is more or less a barter system at best. People will be true to you only until they will see any profit in it.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe if you are loyal to something that is a good thing. If you have a rock solid faith like that in something then you are a much better person than I, and kudos to you.

I just believe that people have change today. Things don't happen to people just because they are entitled to it. Most of us have to work for it. Only the top 1% gets things handed to them on a silver platter. And people really aren't even loyal to them. The moment some genius figures out a way to rob these guys off of their riches, it is hello Mr. Richie Rich Turncoats.

I believe in action more than words. Somebody saying they are loyal to something or someone doesn't merit for a lot if they are busy badmouthing the same thing behind their backs. Actions count. If you are loyal to something. Stick to it. And before committing your faith to something, let it prove to you that it is ready to go the extra mile to earn that right.

Today, be loyal. But also let people know that they to earn it.

Day 42 : You Are Your Own Best Friend

There always comes a time in a person's life when he comes to terms with what he/she really is. Sure there is a decent possibility that what you must be today would be a lot different than what you would end up to be tomorrow. We are all each day evolving and reacting to the things around us and happening to us. Our turmoil and joy never really stays the same year round and so neither does our personality.

If you were to look back at the person I was even last year and what I am now. You wouldn't really notice any stark differences. I'd still be the tall, big, loud guy who laughs at his own jokes. But once you get more than just skin deep, you will find a lot more things amiss. For instance, I abuse far too less now. People from my college used to have a wager on how long I could go on without abusing someone. I never lasted more than a couple of hours. But now my language has become so tame, I even use the respectful forms of all verbs in the sentences. I only abuse around a handful of people. The ones that I am really close to. Once you get a swear word out of my mouth; Dude, you're in the inner circle.

I am sure you'd find a lot many things in you as well that you feel has changed over time. And that is not essentially a bad thing. I guess changes are good. They keep you learning new things about yourself. You begin to recognize your strengths and weaknesses and also begin to gauge your thresholds when it comes to the many emotions your heart and mind is pounded with on a daily basis.

You see. One day, when the time is right. Your happiness and your sorrow will just come down to how much you have understood your own being. After all you are the only one who has the weapons to let yourself be hurt. And you are the only one who ever has had enough cause to keep you happy.

You will always have people around. People you love. People you hate. People you respect. People you look down upon. People you want to throw off the roof of Burj Khalifa. But in the end, none of them really matter do they?

You only live life with you yourself for company, and to hate. So why even try to understand anyone else thinks of you.

Today. Believe, trust, and love yourself. You deserve it.

Day 38 : Life In A Cubicle

Okay, I've opened my word processor now and thinking of what to write about. After all it’s been two days that I've posted something here, and that by definition violates the reason this space was made for.

So, let's see. The past two days have been pretty hectic. I mean more hectic than usual, obviously. Been working long hours in office, which isn't anything new, but for past two days actually experienced the workload. Damn, couldn’t have left my workstation for more than five minutes at a stretch.

The truth is, yes the burden of it all is overwhelming, still I am sort of actually enjoying the experience.

Whenever some colleague starts complaining how bad the situtation is, I sort of rewind to the time when I was a kid and heard the elders complain about how busy or tired they felt. Back then, being the little cauldrons of energy that we were, we never understood what they were crying over.

We always pictured our folks sitting at a desk punching numbers, shuffling papers and yelling to each other over telephones. At least that's what all the TV shows showed office life to be like. And we used to think we go to school, do all the study and activity there, come home, play sports with other kids in the block, fight with a few, and come home, do homework, eat vegetables and go to sleep only to wake up again the next day to repeat the same cycle all over again. What the heck were these grownups complaining about?

Now I sort of do realize how exhausting spending a better part of one's day in a cubicle can be. I mean what most of us do in a regular day's work still is just sitting on our butts all day and pushing keys on a keyboard. Most of us never even break a sweat in all the time that we are inside our air-conditioned cubicle. But at the end of the day, we feel just as drained as a coal miner coming home after a 12 hour shift.

I for one, abnormally, am actually enjoying it nonetheless.

Every new day there is something new to learn. Every new day something new has gone wrong. Every new day we fix it and bring order to chaos. (Some of these so-called calamities, are blown so out of proportion!)

Yes since I spend the majority of my day in office, my actual life is in limbo. But then that is not like a permanent thing ,right. I can always go back to being the animal that I was in college. Right?

I suppose that is just novelty/naivety talking. I am still only over a couple of years into this lifestyle so maybe the monotony of it all has not kicked in yet. Maybe it will all go scary for me too somewhere down the line. And it would be too late to salvage anything of our personal lives then. Hunh.

I hope I still have a few more good years in store for me. I really am enjoying myself right now.

(Minus the long hours)

Today, I hope to God I go home early.

Day 36 : John Goddard !!

Today. A colleague sends me this link. And then I go berserk the rest of the day.

Prior to my seeing it, if you had asked me who I thought is my role model. I wouldn't have a straight answer to give to you. I mean sure I would’ve made up some clichéd story like my folks, or a teacher, or a famous writer/thinker. But that would to some extent be false. Now I am happy to say I won't have to make up stuff anymore. I officially have a role model now. And his name is - John Goddard.

He has every right to look smug!

Seriously dude, look at his LIST! He has done everything!!

There are things in this list that I think you will find in the bucket list of every single human being on this planet. And then there are things so exciting, they definitely deserve to be in everyone’s list.

Visiting exotic places, doing extraordinary things, doing ordinary thing and actually enjoy them, speak more languages, learn new musical instruments, re-trace famous voyages by other famous explorers, read more books, write books, go around the globe (four times!).

 And so many more...

There are few people on this planet who can confidently say "been there, done that" without coming off as a lame bullshitter. He has actually been everywhere, done everything, and experienced everything. He even has a list to prove it. And books, and shows, and pictures.

He even went on the lecture circuits in the States speaking about his myriad experiences. I mean, he is the one guy on this planet who should be everyone's role model. The one guy who's very life is a lesson on how to live life to the fullest!

I guess when Mr. Goddard passed away couple of years back and reached the pearly gates up top. My guess is he would have been welcomed with open arms by the Creator. Who else to get the feedback on how beautiful his creation is!

Today, I will make a bucket list. One more resolution to accomplish this year.

P.S. I know there are way too many exclamation marks in this post. But darn it, this guy is awesome!!!

Day 35 : Office Romances

If you've read my last post you already know how much I love public transportation. Mainly because there is  always a good chance that you'll get to witness something interesting. Today was one of them.

Today is Monday. And as is it is with a majority of people on this planet, I hate this day. It means the end of a two day's rest and the beginning of another grueling week at work. Today's commute promised to be just like that. Another start of the week where I try to recollect what was the situation in office on Friday, did I keep any time-bombs laying around that would've now exploded all over my inbox via mails over the weekend. This hasn't ever happened yet, but I always come to work on Monday with almost as much dread as despise.

I was having an inner monologue regarding it with myself like JD from Scrubs, about the how the little things scare us so much in life when I realized the train had almost reached my station. I got up to get near the exit. I was so engrossed in my conversation with myself inside my head that I didn't notice that some people around me were staring my way. I looked this way and that way, everyone really was looking at me. Was I talking out loud?

That's when I noticed that they weren't actually gawking at me but to the people standing behind me. A guy and a girl. The guy was tall and buffed up. The girl by the looks of it a Punjaban, umm a guy can always tell. They both looked very familiar. But since they were standing just behind me I didn’t have a good look. I couldn't just turn around and outright stare at time like a pervert. I’d wait till I got off the train.

All the time that I was conscious of them, I was also aware that they were arguing. The girl was talking mostly. And I sensed the reason that people were staring at her was not just because she was hot. But also because that she was verbally abusing the guy. Even I was impressed by the way she was describing various parts of the guy's anatomy. While the guy just stood there grinding his teeth, trying his best not to lash out at her. I am sure many in the compartment, had made silent bets with themselves that he will be losing it very soon if this went on another few minutes.

But in a few minutes we all got down the station and everyone went in their separate ways. I could still see people turning around repeatedly, or walking slow to catch some more of the couples spat. Apparently they were working at the same office complex as my company so it was easier for me to stay within earshot to them. Sorry, some gossips are just irresistible.

By the time we got out the station and crossed the road, their conflict had died out and they both got silent. In the beginning they were walking along side each other, if only to be able to fight better. But now, since they had become largely aware of the people around them enjoying themselves with their early morning soap drama. They became silent and started walking apart from each other. The guy walked brisk and ahead of her, while the girl got her earphones out of her handbag and put them on walking a few paces behind him.

This went on all along the way till the entrance of our office complex. I had by this time, restarted the music in my own earphones that I had paused in the train while listening to their argument. I walked along the sidewalk shuffling music and had nearly forgotten the couple by the time I reached my office building. I looked up, and there they were. The guy still walking fast, the girl still a few steps behind now speaking to someone on her phone. They worked in the same company as me. Now I realized why they looked so familiar, they were teammates with one of my friends. Interesting.

Then it got more interesting. When the time came to get into the elevators to go to our respective floors the girl skipped two shuttles to avoid getting into the same elevator as the guy. Maybe she thought getting into such close confines with someone when you're as mad as at him as right now, is not a good idea. Incidentally I got into the same elevator as she did. The ride  as usual was silent, everyone busy with their own mobile phones and thoughts. But my attention was secretly directed to the girl throughout. She was sobbing a little, shivering all over, her skin white as sheet. She really was upset.

When the lift opened up at the floor she worked in, she only realized it to get out at the last moment. On the other side of the lobby, I could see the guy also just getting into the same lobby. Well, they both did work in the same team remember. This day was going to be very tormenting to them. Must be very uncomfortable, sitting near someone with whom you have so much baggage.

I don't know what their story is. But just to be conventional, let's just assume they were a couple. They just had a fight. Hopefully just a small one which’ll get fixed in a couple of days. But what if it didn't? What if they split up? Well they did work on the same floor, probably sat close to each other. They’ll inevitably rub shoulders with the same set of people. They’ll probably cause more awkward situations with their colleagues, over whose parties to attend. It is always tough to choose which friend to stand by post a break-up.

They will not even be able to work together properly. Their boss is going to have a lot many unforeseen complications coming his way. Good luck, guy.

Damn, this really is heavy.

Today, I think office romance is worse than what it is made up to be.

Day 34 : Look Up From Your Mobile Screens

My daily commute to work my favorite part of the day.

I travel by train for thirty minutes to reach office. There is a lot disruptive internet connection along the way so I turn off the mobile data. This in turn gives me half an hour of social media black hole. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, more importantly no WhatsApp. Darn there are way too many groups and people online everywhere, leading to a bunch of useless notifications propping every few seconds. And as much as I try not to, I do end up unlocking and checking the notifications out of habit to see if anything has come up in my direction. For me it has become like a second nature now. It’s a disease.

There was this really awesome video on this - 'Look Up.' A spoken word film for an online generation

This was a hard hitting video on how our online presence in social media is damaging this generation's interpersonal skills. Inevitable went on to become viral in YouTube, Facebook and all the other social networking sites. The sites that played villain in this film. Humph, ironic.

Anyways, coming back to talk about today's train ride. I was as usual sitting there with a song (Rahman’s) blasting away in my earplugs, idly watching out the window to the buildings and roads running past by the railroad tracks. Soon got bored of it, and turned my head into the compartment for another of my favorite daytime pastime; people watching.

Almost everyone in the train had the earplugs on. Almost everyone had their heads bowed down in utmost reverence to the little rectangular idol spurting light and words like LOL and ROFL and GFY. Some people I could see were mating little images of candies to each other on their Candy Crush apps, quite obsessively. Some were watching TV shows or movies on their mobiles, which I personally feel is a grave insult movies were not made to be watched on such a small screen.

The crowd that made me feel most uneasy was a bunch of college kids. There were nine of them. I could easily make out that four of them were a thing, as in GF/BF, and then there were three other guys and two girls who by their looks of uncomforted were naturally the third wheels of this group.

The thing that made me uneasy was not disparity in their amorous equality; it was their lack of attention to each other. The third wheels naturally were doing something of their own to occupy their time. This mostly should include pulling each other’s legs, especially the couples, raunchy jests at their professor’s expense, the like. But here, they were all also bowed down to their mobile screens. Yes, there was always someone saying something and the rest listening or at least pretending to. I am sure no one had any idea what the whole conversation was about.

The couples were no better, one pair had a girl who was shopping for something on the Flipkart app while the guy who had been trying to say something to her, soon gave up and plugged his earpiece and started watching out the window. In the whole group the other couple were the only people that showed some potential, sure they played that Surfer game for a bit but at least they were doing it together.

Now I think I hated seeing them. Their lack of friendship. I'd like to think that it was just one of those days when they all had something to do than spend time with each other. But when I sit and think of the things that they felt were so important than spending time with each other, I feel queasy. Come on, you can always play that stupid game when you’re alone. Is it that important to do it right now?!

I don’t think I have any right to accuse them of anything when I’ve done that so many times myself, especially at home when there is a stupid movie going on. Movie watching has always been the family-time in my household. I sort of see it slipping away.

I believe Gary Turk did mean something by that video. I think we are all going down a very troublesome road.

Today, I plan to shut off the notifications on my mobile. And hope to keep my hands off of it more each day.

Day 31 : Secret To Get Rid Of The Blues : Beaches

Today was sort of depressing. Not a lot matters to a person, who has for a long while who's considered himself a lost cause. And being around someone so down in the gutters, can make anyone feel very glum about life.

I have always been strong on the belief that we as specie have only been able to reach the point of greatness that we are in by doing extraordinary things with the things that nature has bestowed upon us. I mean look at us, we are not as strong as a bear, nor are we as fast as a wild cat. But still we are at the top of the food chain while others are barely surviving in the endangered species list. I don't suppose that's any individual's point to brag about, but still I think there is a lesson to be learned there.

We have immense capacity for greatness. Even if that greatness is not Aristotle or Da Vinci or Genghis Khan type of greatness but awesome nonetheless. We all were such a puny slimy thing when born. And look at us now; we each have a mind of our own and persona to boot. We are all our own creations, we should be really proud of ourselves.

Instead, we spend a large part of our lives whining about little things that we find not so pleasing about our lives. We feel so insecure about ourselves that we compare our lives and ourselves to everyone around us. When see one of friend's pictures partying in Bangkok, we say why not me? When we see updates of them going out with someone hot, we say why not me? When we see them getting promoted, we say why not me? When we see them winning awards or getting to travel overseas for work, we say why not me? I don't know, I suppose we do seem a little like Samwell Tarly. Forever self-depreciating.

But when we sit and think about it, aren't we being a bit tunnel sighted. I mean sure that guy is dating a hot chick, did you stop to think maybe he is also being cheated on? Sure that guy is travelling abroad; maybe that guy has had to leave behind his newborn child behind because of it. Sure that guy is partying in Thailand; maybe that guy lost lot money doing that. You see, there is another side to every news feed. Not everything that appears on your Facebook is gospel. Sit and think about it. Do you think you're life is any less glorious than any of them just because of lesser events or glossy pictures to show off?

You cannot measure your life with moments that are breathtaking and joyous. Nor can we indict it, based on the moments that hurt you or made you weep. Cumulatively, our lives are much bigger than these moments. And it is our responsibility to recognize that respect its grandeur. We are not handicapped by a few setbacks, nor are we empowered by a handful of good fortune.

When you feel you are going through a spree of screw-up. Take a break. Go to the beach; take a lungful of the warm stuffy air. Take a gander at the wide ocean spread out in front of you. See the sky high above, higher than any of the dreams and hopes you've set for yourself. Feel the small grains of sand between your toes. Feel your own self in the grand scale of things. See how tiny you are? Now imagine how puny your troubles really are.

You don't feel too intimidated by them now, do you?

We all go through rough patches of luck in life. It is inevitable. But while going through them, we must always remember that these are also the times when a man discovers his true potential.

So instead of whining and complaining, and give everyone around you the blues. Start being your optimistic, and give yourself a pat in the back for surviving so far in the fight.

Today, go to the beach.

Day 27 - 28 : Queen of Spades and the Faint of Hearts

Today's work goes here - Queen of Spades and the Faint of Hearts

Day 16 : Under Pressure

I know a lot many of us sometimes spend an obscene amount of time on self-contemplation and self-doubt. Half of the time when we go down this road we end up being more disheartened than we started with. Who wants to live forever in that maze of messed up psyche.

I suppose that should hold true for all of Bohemians. After all the things that we think of most is not of what we had done, but what we had not done. We put ourselves down so bad that we are incapable of thinking ourselves are able bodies to do anything. So we go in following the herd doing things halfheartedly and with the same mimic mentality that original herd-beings live by.

We are not cattle. We are the champions. We are not meant to just follow the lead. If it were so, I don't think would've ever found civilization to begin with. I think all our actions must define our personality. If something that we do feels out of character to us, it is probably because it really is and we'd be better by just getting rid of it. The best way to do that is by following one simple rule.

"Nothing you do matter, if you are not doing it for the right reasons!"

I know we do a bunch of things in our daily lives to keep the people in our lives happy. And to keep free from controversy and unwanted hassle. But do you think that actually helps anything? You'll never actually put yourself into it. You'll suck at it. You'll feel miserable about it. The person you're doing it for, gets a half-baked effort from you and is disappointed at you. You feel all the more miserable it. So in the end, what you get is your equation with someone is now much worse than what it was when you begin with. In the end everyone bites the dust going this road.

Don't get me wrong. Everything in life, everything, is about people. The 'somebody' you love. The people you like. The people you hate. The people you are jealous of. The people you think you are superior to. The people you look up to. The people whom you'd like to protect. The people who you'd like to strangle. Life is all about the people in it. And every aspect of your life revolves around what you do for and with these people.

In the end what really matters is, you yourself. You have to have the heart in the right place. You need to have to be able to do things, say things, feel things just the way you want to and at the pace you'd like to. Don't ever let anyone pressure you into something you're not ever comfortable with. Be free.

Today, I want to break free.

(Yes, today’s post is filled with a lot of Queen references!)

Day 11 : Creatures Of Routine

There is this song I heard recently. I am not sure who shared it, or from where I got it. Do beware it is not all that great a song to write home about (or a blog about). A couple of lines from it did stick with me though.

Judge them not by their beliefs,

The creatures of routine are lost without their guide;

Be aware that underneath,

Lies a longing left forgotten under fear and pride.

Today I had a sudden urge to Google it up, hated most of the band pictures. Never liked punk. But still I liked the first verse of the song. Sounds pretty accurate don’t it.

We are all creatures of routine. We are all guided by the comfort that we feel in following the same stride we've had for ages now. We don’t really plan on changing anything anytime soon. Because we like the way things are now, it is good because it is familiar. Some things we are really not very happy about in our lives stay with us because we are afraid to break the chain of familiarity. If we decide to get rid of this thing, we will have to face with the burden of choice again.

And no one likes to be the one who takes the wrong choices.

The ways our lives are led are really ours to mould. We are the creators of our destiny; yes I read that in some newspaper commercial. But that doesn't make it any less true. We have the choice to build a wonderful life for ourselves and the only think stopping us is ourselves.

I don't imagine it is going to be any easy for anybody to just go up and rid their lives of everything wrong in it that has stayed on just because we are used to it. A vice that has become a daily habit is much tougher to get out of than some acquired as a passing phase. Ask the guys at the rehab centers if you don't agree.

We are all creatures of routine. Afraid of our own shadows just because it shows us just what we are. We are shapeless pointless things in the immense width of creation around us. Just a speck of dust in the grand scale of things. A shadow cannot decide what shape it would take. The way a light falls or the distance and many a bunch of other stuff decide things for it. Just as us.

We are all creatures with very less choice of what we get in life. The best we can hope to do is to build something worthwhile with what we have. That is really not going to happen if we are stuck in loop like a tape recorder, doing the same things again and again; and playing to the same music again and again.

Today, I would like to add some jazz and folk and Spanish guitar to my playlist.

Today, I would like to try something new.