Day 15 : Being Chill

I noticed something today. I'd gotten way too laid back than I used to be. I do not get angry at stuff anymore. I cannot remember the last time that I was actually angry at anyone or anything. And that is a huge departure from the way I used to treat every minor offence that used to happen in life. If anything or especially anyone in life gave the slightest cause for friction, I would be up in arms in a matter of seconds.

I was extremely reactionary to everything in life, and that used to reflect with the sort of friends I used to have back then. Guys I used to hang out in my latter days of school, were exactly the sort of people if you saw on the street, would quickly avert your eyes and look the other way. No one liked to be on the receiving end of their teenage rebellion.

This went on for quite a while. I guess I had a bit of it still when I got into high school and college, but this was usually the kind of aggression you'd throw about you when you're provoked. And even then there was always something that would stop me from throwing my fist around. It probably was due to my size, I have always been among the big guys in any group of people I've been in. so clearly any sort of shoving from my side would bruise the other party involved. So I'd conditioned myself early on to avoid doing that. But damn, I do miss shoving somebody around though.

I really don't know what's changed. For most other changes in life, I guess I can state an actual point in time where something or someone helped decide the change. Be it family, or friendship or money. There is always that one incident that shaped or destroyed my outlook on things. But for the loss of this once ever-present aggression I have no answer.

Anger used to be whole lot of fun though. Being able to be the loudest guy in the room did have its advantages. You can practically win any argument. Being right in a debate is second to being the loudest one. 

But now, in this watered down persona that I seemed to have taken up, getting your idea through into the other person's thick skull does take a lot of effort. And damn, is it tedious. There are times when you would just like to that guy's shoulders in your hands and shake him around until the idea you're trying to explain actually filters down into his brain. But heck, no you cannot do that, you are being the non-violent kind remember? You just will have to bite down on your frustration and have another go at it. Get the dumbass to actually comprehend what you are trying to say instead of trying to scare it into him.

Well you can always imagine tearing his limb apart one by one while you are explaining the stuff to him. I am sure that would still count as being mellow. You are only trying to calm yourself by imagining it. Of course that's allowed. Right?

Day 71 : Having a Good Time!

Sometimes there comes a day when you feel like things are just a bit to weird. Well weirder that usual at least. Most of our time we spend walking around like a tin soldier. We only go to bed at night to key back again, only to wake up the next day and repeat the same BS all over again. Our days become inexplicably merged together. All of it goes by so fast, and of so little consequence that soon begin to wonder if the last year did happen at all. Or did the universe just skip a few months and the people in it are just in on the prank. Everyone is just playing a trick on you. Or maybe just soon you will wake up one day an all of this will be just a half-remembered dream.

There are times when some guy comes up to me and says, 'remember that we did that thing', and I want to bash his stupid face in. Because I do not remember the first thing of what he is saying. And what sucks more is when the story he is describing is such a laugh riot, and you did play a part in it. And by the looks of it, you would've really enjoyed it a lot. But heck if you remember even bit of any of it. This sucks. You are always complaining that you seem to be having a very monotonous life and nothing of any excitement has been happening anymore. Then you begin to realize that things do happen. You really do not change. People around you do not really change. The way you react with them, do not really change. What mostly happens is that the good times do not register as often into your brain as it used to earlier.

You see, as you progress with your life your expectation and definition of what 'having a good time' means gets blown way out of proportion. You think having a good time means, getting wasted on the deck of a cruise ship with pretty girls and blue ocean all around you. How often does that happen anyway? Not all of can be Jordan Belfort from The Wolf of Wall Street. And also the truth is you don't really need to own a 100K yacht to enjoy yourself. At least you never really needed them in the past did you? You always had a rowdy ol' time with your friends and colleagues. What has changed? Have you become boring now? Don't people include you in their funcapades anymore?

Not true. As far you know you are not missing out on any exciting nights happening around you. Maybe you are just getting old, and so are the people around you. Maybe what people you know do for having fun has changed as well. Maybe getting wasted is not a big priority for them anymore. And anyways, you never got high on anything earlier either did you, so why should it matter now? Even now you can get people to enjoy themselves, go out of their way to feel the moment. And isn't what having a good time is all about. To actually stop the constant monologue going on inside your head, and see/hear/feel of whatever you are doing or wherever you are doing it. Really, just noticing your life at any instance of time makes it memorable.

Make memories. It is much cheaper to do than you'd think.

Day 34 : Look Up From Your Mobile Screens

My daily commute to work my favorite part of the day.

I travel by train for thirty minutes to reach office. There is a lot disruptive internet connection along the way so I turn off the mobile data. This in turn gives me half an hour of social media black hole. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, more importantly no WhatsApp. Darn there are way too many groups and people online everywhere, leading to a bunch of useless notifications propping every few seconds. And as much as I try not to, I do end up unlocking and checking the notifications out of habit to see if anything has come up in my direction. For me it has become like a second nature now. It’s a disease.

There was this really awesome video on this - 'Look Up.' A spoken word film for an online generation

This was a hard hitting video on how our online presence in social media is damaging this generation's interpersonal skills. Inevitable went on to become viral in YouTube, Facebook and all the other social networking sites. The sites that played villain in this film. Humph, ironic.

Anyways, coming back to talk about today's train ride. I was as usual sitting there with a song (Rahman’s) blasting away in my earplugs, idly watching out the window to the buildings and roads running past by the railroad tracks. Soon got bored of it, and turned my head into the compartment for another of my favorite daytime pastime; people watching.

Almost everyone in the train had the earplugs on. Almost everyone had their heads bowed down in utmost reverence to the little rectangular idol spurting light and words like LOL and ROFL and GFY. Some people I could see were mating little images of candies to each other on their Candy Crush apps, quite obsessively. Some were watching TV shows or movies on their mobiles, which I personally feel is a grave insult movies were not made to be watched on such a small screen.

The crowd that made me feel most uneasy was a bunch of college kids. There were nine of them. I could easily make out that four of them were a thing, as in GF/BF, and then there were three other guys and two girls who by their looks of uncomforted were naturally the third wheels of this group.

The thing that made me uneasy was not disparity in their amorous equality; it was their lack of attention to each other. The third wheels naturally were doing something of their own to occupy their time. This mostly should include pulling each other’s legs, especially the couples, raunchy jests at their professor’s expense, the like. But here, they were all also bowed down to their mobile screens. Yes, there was always someone saying something and the rest listening or at least pretending to. I am sure no one had any idea what the whole conversation was about.

The couples were no better, one pair had a girl who was shopping for something on the Flipkart app while the guy who had been trying to say something to her, soon gave up and plugged his earpiece and started watching out the window. In the whole group the other couple were the only people that showed some potential, sure they played that Surfer game for a bit but at least they were doing it together.

Now I think I hated seeing them. Their lack of friendship. I'd like to think that it was just one of those days when they all had something to do than spend time with each other. But when I sit and think of the things that they felt were so important than spending time with each other, I feel queasy. Come on, you can always play that stupid game when you’re alone. Is it that important to do it right now?!

I don’t think I have any right to accuse them of anything when I’ve done that so many times myself, especially at home when there is a stupid movie going on. Movie watching has always been the family-time in my household. I sort of see it slipping away.

I believe Gary Turk did mean something by that video. I think we are all going down a very troublesome road.

Today, I plan to shut off the notifications on my mobile. And hope to keep my hands off of it more each day.

Day 17 : Mr. Mopey Vs Mr. Cheery

Things have a way of coming around to to bite you in the butt sometimes.

I remember this one guy from work that had a serious inferiority complex with respect to another co-worker. Both came from the same town, same university, both even looked the same - short and stout, similar family background, drawing similar paycheck each month, working on same technology. The only difference one was a really cheery happy-go-lucky guy and everyone's fav guy. The other was sullen and silent, that guy in every group picture who's too shy/pompous to smile for the camera. You can never make up your mind whether you like him or not.

The sullen guy, we'll call Mopey, puts in extra hours at work does all the tasks on time, even earlier than most. Rarely gets up from his seat even for tea breaks, when he does he always goes alone. 

The smiley guy, we'll call Cheery, rarely stayed overtime, went for tea breaks and lunch like clockwork with a big group of colleagues, and still gets his work done by the end of the day. 

The only difference here was when people here knew who Cheery was; they just tend to think Mopey was part the office furniture.

Mopey didn't like it one bit. He tries, by God does he try. But I guess its just the way some people are and there is just no changing what’s in their nature no matter how much they themselves want to. He tries to speak with co-workers, opening up to people about him selves, trying to listen what they did over the weekend or when they crib about how the client is over-working them or how their wives are being a big nag-machine of late.

But he soon gets tired of all the talk. His mind drifts off to someplace else, and starts taking glances at his mobile screen checking out the time and everyone knows he is not listening to single word what they are saying.

That's where Cheery really trumps, he listens. He knows everyone's story. He knows whose relationship sucks, he knows who is dating who at work, and he even knows if someone likes books or shoes better as a birthday gift.

As a little getting back for being so awesome, Mopey pulled a nasty trick on Cheery last week. He overheard someone speaking to Cheery in the cafeteria, sitting on the next table to him while he was on his lonesome as usual. He came to know of some little secret about this someone, who was only comfortable sharing it with Cheery here. Mopey spread the little tidbit around office. He was real sly about it as well, proud of his own genius.

Well it worked it seemed. This someone and Cheery had big falling out, everyone started to wonder if Cheery could really keep a secret. Cheery started to lose his shine.

Mopey forgot one little detail. He doesn't talk to people much. When he does, the other guy remembers the conversation pretty well. And everyone was much better friends with Cheery than to him. The story un-puzzled itself before the work-week as up. Everyone now knew how Mopey was the real culprit. And now everyone is farther away from Mopey, and closer with Cheery as ever. All was right again in the universe.

Lesson to be learnt - before entering a game you don't know the rules to, ensure that at least you have you butt covered in case of a backfire.

Today, was conspiratorially enlightening.

Day 15 : War of the Words

I've been watching old episodes of Scrubs of late. It's really funny, in a lame dorky sort of way. But I like it.

And the JD inner-monologue thing is totally relatable. I think we all do that. Maybe it is just me; I hope that did make it seem like me saying I hear voices inside my head. I do not. Most of the time.

Anyhow. I sometimes have this inner monologue with myself, most of these happen when I am especially pissed off at somebody or did some extremely embarrassing. I play it around inside my head, cursing myself over it, or thinking up of smart things I could've said to bring in a strong comeback line.

Alas, always after the moment has been passed. Funny, how none of these wit and spunk actually was around when I was in between the argument itself. So many wars would've been tilted to your truly's favor.

We all seem so smart and intelligent inside our heads, with all of our personality and charm at its best. I wonder if it gets lost in its way from our brain to our mouth. I think there must to be some sort of directions/sign-posts all along the way, which out our wit just conveniently ignores and we end up paying the price by embarrassing ourselves.

I remember at least half a dozen incidents since my wee-lad age where I stood there stumped and looking like a buffoon. Only a couple of minutes after the moment had passed finally figuring out the one-liner that would have been the perfect come back.

Well today was one of those days when I actually did that. Even the liners that I cooked up inside my head after the squabble did not come close to the scar that my original one hit home with my opponent. And yes, no matter what you may think of it, I am proud of that. This sort of success doesn't come daily to Mr. Nice Guy.

Today, was fun.

Day 13 : Why Don't You Drink Alcohol?

One more person to ask me this question, I am seriously going to start contemplating bloody murder. Freddy Kruger style.

Come on! The fact that I do not drink alcohol is not going to mean the end of the world now, is it? I don't drink and that’s that, it shouldn’t be a cause to make so much of a fuss around. Every single party I go, this question is posed to me at least half a dozen times. And at least one of these bozos would make a glass for me and try to get me to drink holding it inches from my face with the stench of it all the more nauseating for me. Not helping guys.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against the liquid or any of its devotees. For Pete’s sake, almost all of best mates are alcoholics to some level now. And if had any hatred towards their kind, I will be without hope of friendship anywhere. People drink in parties. People throw a party to drink. And these days, everyone drinks. So parties are just a reason for people to drink together.

And at every such party there is someone to whom me not drinking is like the biggest mysteries on this planet since JFK. I don't drink just because I don't feel like it.

Whenever I ask any one you guys why you drink, the answer ya'll give is because drinking is fun. Well here I am, having fun and not drinking. You don't see me slicing my wrist or something now do you? I mean, why else should you think I am not having a good time? Actually in some cases, I am having even a better time than half the drunks that I see in the parties. The sad mopes. The heartbreaks. The inferiority complex group. My father didn't love me group. I mean come on! Do you really think those guys are drinking because it is fun for them?!

And at any case, any person who hasn't spent time in a booze party without drinking, maybe the pregger women, will attest this. It is way too much fun to witness the sheer stupidity of you drunks when ya'll really lose it. I knew a guy who used to sing in a woman's voice when he was high. Another one who used to abuse his spouse and supervisor, with a very language so creative that it would make even George Carlin proud. There is this other guy, to put it mildly, who’s chubbier than any guy you know, he would do a mean break-dance right there no-matter-where if you put on  the "Lungi Dance" for him.

I've had been to a lot of great parties. And I have not been drunk in any of them. So I think it is safe to say I am going to survive just fine in the near future as well.

Guys, I am way too loud. Overtly frank. With no filter between mind and mouth. Way too imaginative with way too many innuendos for any given situation. Way too physical. Way too big. Imagine adding alcohol to that equation. I don't think it would be a pretty sight, not judging by the many nasty things that I've seen you drunks do around me.

Today, I think I will just be happy with another orange juice. Thank you.