Day 1 : Road to Success (?)

How to pursue a goal when you never sure that it is definitely what you want in life. Maybe.

They say the successful people are where they are in life because they knew what they wanted and worked tirelessly to get it. I, for one, am very suspicious of that notion. I guess I have no measure of faith in people's will power. Maybe because of the sheer reason that I have such limited inventory of it myself. The same with the people around me. I truly believe that of all the successful people in life, maybe a handful of them can truly say that they always knew what their lives were leading up to. That they definitely knew their product/book/album/app/business was going to be a success. And knowing such a crystal ball has not been invented so far, I am pretty sure even those handful of posers are lying.

No one really knows what life has in store for them. Far fewer know if at all their hopes and dreams would ever come to be. Most of us have those days in life when we wake up in the morning surprised that our dumb behinds even made it to that sunrise. I have very less hope of our species being able to seem many more of these sunrises.

Alright, I just read all that back again. This really does not seem like the happy happy optimistic posts that I do here. Especially this being my first one this year. Oh yeah, Happy New Year!!

Well. What is so happy about it anyway? Don't mean to be a downer. But come on, sit and think with me for a moment. What has changed in the first couple weeks of this year that makes you truly believe that 2017 is going to be any different that the tens of years you have spent on this planet. Life was borderline miserable back then, it is just as miserable now.

Sure there are some  moments of joy. Small tiny specks of them in the raging crap storm called life. These little shiny objects make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You love that feeling. You love having that feeling. But also back there in some dark corner of your mind, sits your very own private Gollum, talking to himself. Rejoicing at that thought that even this moment would pass. This moment of content and bliss would pass and Master would be back feeling sorry for himself. This mind-Gollum feeds off of your misery. The more sad and despondent you are the more the mind-Gollum dances with joy. The more lonely and friendless you are the more the mind-Gollum's eyes light up with excitement.

In everybody's life there comes a span of time where the mind-Gollum is at its strongest. He is plump, and fat, and hearty while you reside at the very rock bottom of your life. Now if a person who has made it big in life has had the premonition of how his life would end up for him, can the same be said for the person haunted by the mind-Gollum? If man has the capability to will himself to success, why would he even make himself to be vulnerable enough to face any sort of hardship in life?

Willing yourself to glory in life is a myth. What mostly happens, is life throws a few curve balls at you. Challenging you at every turn. How your life turns out to be is basically decided upon what you do under that pressure. Do you succumb to the torment, surrendering yourself to sorrow and self loathing? Or do you stand up to life's bullying and make something out of yourself.

Nothing in life is predetermined or predestined. What happens in your life, is not determined by the goals you set for yourself in life. It is decided based on your ability to fight for your own survival and to starve out the mind-Gollum.

Day 76 : The Mercy of Passion

 I am reading a book called 'The Burden of Proof' by Scott Turow. It’s nothing exciting or anything. Just another bland legal-crime drama with the usual familial intrigues cliché "gotcha" twists. I liked one of Turow's longer books called 'Laws of Our Fathers', which comes under this same Kindle County series this book comes from. So obviously I thought to give another of his book a shot. So far, it’s pretty daily fare, haven't really come to appreciate it yet.

As with every book I read, there comes a page or a sentence or a phrase that is so well coined and expressed it makes sense why a writer has made it big when all of the other wannabe writers get lost in the vast nothingness of self-published amazon books.

The phrase in question - "The mercy of passion"

The context of it wasn't as jarring as the implications this phrase can take on. At that moment, as is usual, I put the e-reader down and go on the mental somersault of weird philosophical contemplation or letting the grey matter between our ears go on a trot. Usually ends up in a rather depressing state really. But I sort of enjoy having the luxury of being able to go on this little excursion every once in a while and pretend to be able to be using our brains for something other than the mundane routine of our daily lives.

That's where I guess the passion part of today's discourse comes in I guess. Not many people are lucky enough to have found the one big passion of their lives. The one thing that drives them and eventually shapes their whole life. People spend almost all of their adolescent life trying to find it, adult life trying to chase it, and all their elder life regretting that they never chasing tails all their life. And also, having that passion in you in some ways makes you invincible or rather immune to a lot of things. You will be excused with having to endure a lot of mundane things in life you have this image of being passionate about something. "Oh, he doesn't attend social gatherings like weddings and such. He believes these commitments compels him to take away his time better spent following molecular biology." "Oh, she doesn't do dating. She believes it being a figment of patriarchal tradition trying to shove misogynistic ideologies down women's throats." "Oh, he cannot pay the rent this month. He believes paying for rent makes him short of funds better spent gambling."

A lot of people are passionate about a lot of things in life. Not everything that would be considered good by everyone. But the thing is, I don't think it matters really. If you like what you do. And by pursuing it you are not breaking any laws or harming anyone. Well, more power to you. Go ahead, follow your heart’s desire. At least you are not dragging your lives one day at a time, evermore closer to your deathbed. So what happens if you don't you don't achieve your dreams, at least you can tell yourself on your deathbed that you tried. Maybe this mercy that you can grant yourself on the deathbed would be the one that decides if yours was a life worth living or just another live that was. 

I don't really think there is anything on the other side of death. Once you die, that's about it. Done. Fin. Nothing but a vast blackness that pours over you until the end of time. You just don't exist anymore. You as a person, as whatever name they call you and your body now, is done. So what defines you is what you do of your life while you have it. And passion plays a big thing in that. We all just need to find something that we are eagerly and honestly passionate about. It doesn't have to be something like an unattainable goal. It just can be something that you enjoy doing that you can just keep doing every day and not be tired of. If your day right now doesn't include more of that, ensure that tomorrow does. Make plans to spend more time each day for that thing that you feel you are passionate about. That way as the years pass on there will come a point in life where you find that your whole day is spent doing that one thing of which you are passionate. And that one day. That one point in life. That is Heaven.

Day 66 : Eggs In The Basket

I think it was Warren Buffet, who said, 

'Do not put your eggs in many baskets.

Keep all your eggs in one basket, but watch that basket closely.'

I do get what he was talking about now. 

Why you ask? Well let’s just say that I've been graced with an array of a few very exciting eggs for the past couple of months. Few very interesting prospects indeed. Things were looking to get all the more interesting very soon as well. But of late, mostly this month, I've been witnessing them eggs go to rot one by one. Not a pretty sight as you could obviously guess. And not a single thing I can do about it either. 

Don't fret now, this not going to be a depressing post with my whining about stuff. I am not one to spill my shit in the open. At least not on this blog, I have another blog for my thinly veiled autobiographical fiction.

Anyways, back to the eggs. There are a few things in there, I think now, that I could've handled better and sooner. But most of these things were as then kept on a slow flame cooking away, so I'd obviously thought to give it sometime, let it all stew for a while. Thought everything will play out just fine in the end. A very amateur move indeed. When has anything ever come anybody's way by just waiting for it? Woody Allen famously said - 'Eighty percent of success is just showing up.' Well damn, there wasn't even much of a chance of showing up in here. If at all there was, nobody clued me in anything about the location.

My point in all of this is - Mr. Buffet was right. 

You see, when there are a lot of things going around with you. You end up juggling all of them simultaneously and inevitably raising the chances of them fouling up on you pretty soon. One by one all of your chances have gone kaput. When so many things are going on, there is really not much chance for you to concentrate on one specific thing. And you end up giving a lot of the stuff up to chance and luck. These little thing that you over look or just plain think as inconsequential, are the things that come up out of the blue and bite you in the ass. Luck is never a harbinger of success. Luck is just a friend that comes by to meet you once in a blue moon, only to find that he's got the wrong address and gets cozy with the lady staying at the wrong door he knocks. Luck never gets to you when you need it, even when it does come to you a lot if it is plain cross connection.

And how often does that really happen?

Getting your hopes in a bunch of different things will only get you day dreaming a lot more. Start avoiding putting in the extra effort you usually does. Even start being smug with the people around you. I guess it is much practical to hope for one thing at a time, and prime up all your efforts for just that one thing.

This way you are giving this one thing your all, you have the most to say about what the outcome is, you are in CONTROL.

This will also mean that when things get sour, you have nobody else to blame but your damn self. Nobody likes to own up to any of the blame, and just to avoid that there is a good chance that you will start working extra hard for the thing that you desire. You are in CONTROL.

These things have a lot to do with our own sense of purpose I suppose. We cannot just waltz through life thinking that good things would just be dropped into our laps. Wish it were that easy. Some blows in life will take you by surprise; some will take your breath away. But every single blow thrown at you will make you wary of the next. You will be aware if life tries to sucker punch the same way again. And if you let it happen again, you can't really blame anyone for it. You've taken it before, and still were no wiser for it the next time. It is wholly your fault.

I suppose we all could be more unidirectional with our progress through life. You cannot go to sleep wishing to be an astronaut one day and dream of being a musician the next. Things have to happen gradually and over a long strenuous period of time. And all through that long duration, you have to bust you ass working on whatever it is you desire. That ONE thing you desire.

Get all of the eggs that you want for yourself. Club them into this one big dream basket.

Work. Your. Ass. Off.

Make sure that basket doesn’t come down torn on top of you, with egg yolk and egg shells all over your head, and you looking like a darn fool.

Day 49 : Pain and Sorrow

I have immense respect for sorrow. It is in my opinion the only honest feeling that we as a specie are really capable of feeling. Love. Anger. Hatred. Fear. Those are all just our reaction to the things that happen to us. Sorrow, I feel is something that comes from a more deeper core of our being.

We cannot see or sense sorrow. There is surely no way to measure someone's sorrow. It is not a quantifiable thing. Very much like any other feeling I suppose. But unlike those other feelings. Sorrow is something that can hit you anytime. At any place. For any reason. For love or fear or anger. There mostly has to be something to kick it off. For the pain of this heart-wrenching sorrow - you do not need a catalyst.

You could be out there driving alone in your car. Or by grocery at your local market. Or just innocently commuting to work. Like the hundreds of people around you. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes this sudden feeling somewhere deep within you. You feel like your breath is snatched out of you. This thought comes pounding at your chest like a fifty pound hammer on a anvil, you feel your heart shudder at its each jolt. The thought that you are all alone.

You may have the most adoring family, a big group of fun friends and colleagues, but when you come to think of it. You are really all alone on this planet. And no matter how many people you surround yourself with. You always feel alone. You came alone to this planet, and that is exactly how you will leave.

When this feeling comes nagging at you, you see that your hand automatically goes to your mobile phone. Wonderful thing technology is, one click and one broadcasted 'Hi' later you are suddenly in conversation with fifty different people. Lo and behold, you are not alone anymore. Do not do that.

You should take your finger off of you mobile screens. Put your cellphone back into your pocket. And let the sorrow wash over you. Let it cleanse you. Feel its steely claws squeezing your guts trying to pull you innards out. Feel yourself getting light headed and dizzy with this feeling of emptiness. But you won't, this feeling passes. So will the pain. Soon you will feel your heart beating at a normal rate. And you will be able to get on with whatever it was that you were doing.

You see, pain is not that bad a thing. Pain and sorrow are sort of the only thing that teach us more about the real us than any of those other feelings can even hope to. Bask in the sadness in all of is bleak glory. They will only help you become the stronger, more feeling being that you want to be. It is the only way you can begin to understand and empathize with what the people around you are going through. And that is in turn the only way for you to start feeling a tad less alone for a change.

Because when we are capable to feel more, we welcome more people into our lives. And then only are we capable to be truly happy.

"Pain deserves to be felt"...

Today, don't shy away from yourself. Feel it all.

Day 31 : Secret To Get Rid Of The Blues : Beaches

Today was sort of depressing. Not a lot matters to a person, who has for a long while who's considered himself a lost cause. And being around someone so down in the gutters, can make anyone feel very glum about life.

I have always been strong on the belief that we as specie have only been able to reach the point of greatness that we are in by doing extraordinary things with the things that nature has bestowed upon us. I mean look at us, we are not as strong as a bear, nor are we as fast as a wild cat. But still we are at the top of the food chain while others are barely surviving in the endangered species list. I don't suppose that's any individual's point to brag about, but still I think there is a lesson to be learned there.

We have immense capacity for greatness. Even if that greatness is not Aristotle or Da Vinci or Genghis Khan type of greatness but awesome nonetheless. We all were such a puny slimy thing when born. And look at us now; we each have a mind of our own and persona to boot. We are all our own creations, we should be really proud of ourselves.

Instead, we spend a large part of our lives whining about little things that we find not so pleasing about our lives. We feel so insecure about ourselves that we compare our lives and ourselves to everyone around us. When see one of friend's pictures partying in Bangkok, we say why not me? When we see updates of them going out with someone hot, we say why not me? When we see them getting promoted, we say why not me? When we see them winning awards or getting to travel overseas for work, we say why not me? I don't know, I suppose we do seem a little like Samwell Tarly. Forever self-depreciating.

But when we sit and think about it, aren't we being a bit tunnel sighted. I mean sure that guy is dating a hot chick, did you stop to think maybe he is also being cheated on? Sure that guy is travelling abroad; maybe that guy has had to leave behind his newborn child behind because of it. Sure that guy is partying in Thailand; maybe that guy lost lot money doing that. You see, there is another side to every news feed. Not everything that appears on your Facebook is gospel. Sit and think about it. Do you think you're life is any less glorious than any of them just because of lesser events or glossy pictures to show off?

You cannot measure your life with moments that are breathtaking and joyous. Nor can we indict it, based on the moments that hurt you or made you weep. Cumulatively, our lives are much bigger than these moments. And it is our responsibility to recognize that respect its grandeur. We are not handicapped by a few setbacks, nor are we empowered by a handful of good fortune.

When you feel you are going through a spree of screw-up. Take a break. Go to the beach; take a lungful of the warm stuffy air. Take a gander at the wide ocean spread out in front of you. See the sky high above, higher than any of the dreams and hopes you've set for yourself. Feel the small grains of sand between your toes. Feel your own self in the grand scale of things. See how tiny you are? Now imagine how puny your troubles really are.

You don't feel too intimidated by them now, do you?

We all go through rough patches of luck in life. It is inevitable. But while going through them, we must always remember that these are also the times when a man discovers his true potential.

So instead of whining and complaining, and give everyone around you the blues. Start being your optimistic, and give yourself a pat in the back for surviving so far in the fight.

Today, go to the beach.