Day 78 : Ave Maria

I would never have realized the strength of resolve,
if not for that one man toiling in the sun's heat smashing rocks for his day's pennies.

I would never have realized the strength of kindred,
if not for his brother men who merrily shared each other's burden of rocks each day.

I would never have realized the strength of love,
if not for his wife who cleans and scrubs a dozen homes a day to earn some extra bread for her cubs.

I would never have realized the strength of grace,
if not for the crippled boy who drags his lame leg to school everyday with an erect poise.

I would never have realized the strength of kindness,
if not for the able bodied kids who would slow their gait to walk beside their crippled friend.

I would never have realized the strength of inspiration,
if not for the poorest of those kids who'd make up stories of grand scale to keep their discouraged minds distracted on those cold glum nights.

I would never have realized the strength of hope,
if not for the father of the poorest of kids who'd keep on working each day on the rocks, dreaming of his children living in one of those bright homes that reach for the twinkling stars.

~ ~ ~

Happy new year, everyone. Stay blessed!

Day 78 : Between the World and Me - Book Review

Almost done with this book now. This is a new writer to me, and I don't really jump for new writers that often. The only reason I know of his existence even is from his appearance on Daily Show. (P.S. Jon Stewart, you're missed!). On this episode, the current host of Trevor Noah and Coates were discussing the mass incarceration situation and the sort of new-age slavery this thing is turning out to be. I had just come from seeing the Vice documentary on the same topic. So I thought this guy seems to know a lot about this topic, why don't I pick up this book he's spouting on the show about. Bad idea.

Don't get me wrong, this guy seems to be a well-respected knowledgeable person of the things he is talking about. But the book was so tough to complete. That is not necessarily due to uncomfortable topic of racial discrimination it is talking about. The difficulty is more to do with the writing itself. This topic provides so much material and there are so many ways the writer can choose to present it to the reader. But Coates just seems to go on and in an angry rant about color and of the people who think they are "white". He fashions it as a long letter to his fifteen-year-old son to educate him about the atrocities his community still faces in this day and age. And how everyone not them, is out to murder their "black body".

I am from India. We don't have this variety of discrimination in our country. There are way too many shades of colored people here to keep track of whom to hate on. We just make do with typical the class or religious or sexual discrimination that is common to most cultures. I also won't say people here don't hold prejudice against any dark skinned people. But I think that is just an extension of the class discrimination we have. Here the dark skin indicates you are a member of the poorer peasant-class of people and the lighter skinned people are superior/wealthier to you. (People who think that are essentially orthodox and stupid though. Yeah tradition, bitch!)

In reality there are moments in this book were Coates himself comes as a bit of a racist. He clearly has enough reason to hold a grudge against a lot people. He says much about a young man he knew personally that got shot down by a cop. Also a bit about the way he gets stopped without just cause by a cop while he was en-route to meet his girlfriend. All this anger does have its justifications. There are always catalysts to initiate this sort of  white rage in any person. But such carpet hatred and anger towards one specific group, is exactly what you are going through as well. Why would you want others to go through the same thing as well? I am sure a few people from Big Six would agree to this. While I concede, I might not have seen or experienced this sort of life. I wouldn't know what you go through on a daily basis. But - Discrimination and prejudice, is never an answer to discrimination and prejudice. It is just leads to another 'snake eats its own tail' situation.

The book did have a few good moments. Especially when he talks about grown-ass men abandoning their children, putting on loose shirts and bling to going out on the street corners and play gangsta. The book also is deeply rooted in black-subculture and talks a lot about its big names. I've even got to introduced to a lot of new personalities here that I would definitely google more about. (Otis Redding!)

And that's about it. This book is one long essay by a guy, ranting about how his people are pressed to ground for centuries and how angry he feels when another cop puts down a colored person without anyone else batting an eye about it. That very might be the case but this guy just didn't word his argument too well.

Heeding to various suggestions my next read -  "The Fire Next Time" by James Baldwin 

Day 77 : Your Year in Review

As has become the norm for Facebook, they released their 'Year in Review' feature this week. This tool enables you to get a 'Top 10' of the most significant (mundane albeit popular) things you posted in the past year. Last year it made a slideshow video of your most liked/commented status updates and images, scored to the exciting tune of elevator music. This time it seems they decided to do away with a video, and just put up a bunch pictures you got tagged in onto a webpage. Getting lazy are we, Mark?

Anyways. I think they've accomplished what they were aiming for. They got me thinking about the past year on basis of those images. Which I confess aren't all that amazing to begin with. I only did two decent vacations this year, both with the same set of people I know and most of those pictures were taken during that duration. Apart from these there were a few pictures of the books I was reading (yes I take pictures of books while I read them, don't ask me why) and a few taken on a colleague's birthday. That's it. Crap, isn't that disappointing! Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy those vacations. I was in dire need of them. Also I know I am not exactly the jet-setting kind - by virtue of wallet size. But still, it is sort of disheartening to know that after spending most of the 365 days making plans to do amazing things and at the end you have nothing to show for it.

I am not kidding. I have made plans for more travels and milestones this year than I care to remembe anymore. I honestly lose track of half of them in a fortnight. I've picked up two technical courses to attend through this year, stopped them in a week. Made plans to meet up a lot of old and new friends for night outs and stuff, most of those get cancelled by the end of that very same day. Most of the things that I do get around to do are things that have somehow managed to attract a sizable crowd of friends to ensure that I don't get bored, and that we look like a hip crowd. That is another thing that I am never able to understand. Why do I always have to have a big mob of friends when we go tripping. I want to go to that hill station up North, why don't I just pack up a toothbrush and a book and just leave.

Well. I'm a classic procrastinator. I make big plans of the grand things to do the next year and end up accomplishing approximately quarter of them. Case in point - this blog. I started this Ledger at the beginning of this year making an 'unbreakable vow' to myself that I would write something here each day religiously. How many have I managed to publish so far? Around 70 so far, that comes up to just 20% over the span of 11 months! How's that for an 'unbreakable vow'.

So.. this was my 'Year in Review'. A ton of plans and commitments made, most to myself. Most of those go unmet, most to myself.

I know a lot people who would agree they feel the same way each year. Every New Year's Eve we find ourselves make a bunch of big plans to do big things the next year. Really follow our passions and lead our lives to a decidedly glorious turnabout. We all believe that our lives are largely in our control. That we are on the control panel of this spaceship. Nah.. What really happens is that we discover that we have hardly made a dent to the trajectory that our lives are in. You are just hanging along for the ride. Most of the things that shape our lives are the things that we make no note of until the shit has transpired. You don't plan for none of them, but they do go down with or without your bidding. It sure is optimistic of us to believe that we can do something about it. And so yet again we plan for another wonderful year ahead. Promising ourselves to do grand things in 2016.

Good luck with that. Really.

Day 76 : The Mercy of Passion

 I am reading a book called 'The Burden of Proof' by Scott Turow. It’s nothing exciting or anything. Just another bland legal-crime drama with the usual familial intrigues cliché "gotcha" twists. I liked one of Turow's longer books called 'Laws of Our Fathers', which comes under this same Kindle County series this book comes from. So obviously I thought to give another of his book a shot. So far, it’s pretty daily fare, haven't really come to appreciate it yet.

As with every book I read, there comes a page or a sentence or a phrase that is so well coined and expressed it makes sense why a writer has made it big when all of the other wannabe writers get lost in the vast nothingness of self-published amazon books.

The phrase in question - "The mercy of passion"

The context of it wasn't as jarring as the implications this phrase can take on. At that moment, as is usual, I put the e-reader down and go on the mental somersault of weird philosophical contemplation or letting the grey matter between our ears go on a trot. Usually ends up in a rather depressing state really. But I sort of enjoy having the luxury of being able to go on this little excursion every once in a while and pretend to be able to be using our brains for something other than the mundane routine of our daily lives.

That's where I guess the passion part of today's discourse comes in I guess. Not many people are lucky enough to have found the one big passion of their lives. The one thing that drives them and eventually shapes their whole life. People spend almost all of their adolescent life trying to find it, adult life trying to chase it, and all their elder life regretting that they never chasing tails all their life. And also, having that passion in you in some ways makes you invincible or rather immune to a lot of things. You will be excused with having to endure a lot of mundane things in life you have this image of being passionate about something. "Oh, he doesn't attend social gatherings like weddings and such. He believes these commitments compels him to take away his time better spent following molecular biology." "Oh, she doesn't do dating. She believes it being a figment of patriarchal tradition trying to shove misogynistic ideologies down women's throats." "Oh, he cannot pay the rent this month. He believes paying for rent makes him short of funds better spent gambling."

A lot of people are passionate about a lot of things in life. Not everything that would be considered good by everyone. But the thing is, I don't think it matters really. If you like what you do. And by pursuing it you are not breaking any laws or harming anyone. Well, more power to you. Go ahead, follow your heart’s desire. At least you are not dragging your lives one day at a time, evermore closer to your deathbed. So what happens if you don't you don't achieve your dreams, at least you can tell yourself on your deathbed that you tried. Maybe this mercy that you can grant yourself on the deathbed would be the one that decides if yours was a life worth living or just another live that was. 

I don't really think there is anything on the other side of death. Once you die, that's about it. Done. Fin. Nothing but a vast blackness that pours over you until the end of time. You just don't exist anymore. You as a person, as whatever name they call you and your body now, is done. So what defines you is what you do of your life while you have it. And passion plays a big thing in that. We all just need to find something that we are eagerly and honestly passionate about. It doesn't have to be something like an unattainable goal. It just can be something that you enjoy doing that you can just keep doing every day and not be tired of. If your day right now doesn't include more of that, ensure that tomorrow does. Make plans to spend more time each day for that thing that you feel you are passionate about. That way as the years pass on there will come a point in life where you find that your whole day is spent doing that one thing of which you are passionate. And that one day. That one point in life. That is Heaven.

Day 75 : The Chennai Floods Befuddlement

Those of us who tend to open up the News pages to at least catch up on most of the headlines of things that happen around the globe, often find ourselves asking this question, "Why do I have to put myself through this each day?"

There is apparently nothing good happening to anyone anywhere. Why do I have to keep coming back to these sites and read about yet another bomb blasts, shootouts, murders, rapes and yet another politician being a prick to yet another group minorities. I am pretty sure I have even written this same thing in here not that long ago. The world has now become a very crazy dangerous place to live in. At least that is what I get from all the news articles that's getting bombarded on my twitter and facebook faces.

Let's face it. These days, majority of the news that we get is from the social media. And I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with it. In retrospect I actually think that news consumption from the social media platform seems more personal and to-my-taste. As most of the articles that get shared into my feed are from people I follow or my friends. And there is more of a chance that those people and I share the same interests and care of about the same things, hence would be interested in the same things. More often so than when compared to the big news outlets that by reputation or confession tend to be biased to any one political ideology or the other. For example, how in heavens was I to know that Pluto isn't technically qualified to be called a planet if I wasn't following Neil deGrasse Tyson? Which popular media in their current hunger for clickbait titles would actually choose a topic like that over, say. Kim Kardashian's new son having more clothes than her?

To add to all of that, I still have a bone to pick with the journalists of today. I mean seriously come on. Are we still going to talk about the Sheena Bora murders when there is an actual disaster occurring right now in our country. I understand the temptation. This case provides all of the masala ingredients to fill atleast three years of prime time soap opera. But guys, I am sure there is more to the distinguished profession of journalism that dig through ages of murky family history and spray it all over your front pages and headlines. Sure.. this family has had a twisted history and family tree. Some level of possible incest thing going on. But hell. The death toll here is one. ONE. Actual death toll of the Chennai Floods? Nearly 300. How much airtime did you spend on each of them? About three weeks for the floods. And almost an eternity for the Bora case.

In the wake of such a tragedy in Chennai, there is so many stories of wonderful people doing wonderful things for fellow human beings coming out of the disaster ridden city. Stories of people of all ages, creed, religion and class coming together to help each other in times of need and bringing back a sense of normal to the city streets when logic would just ask them close their doors and stay inside their house where its safe. People are going out of their way to help people in need, by welcoming them into their own homes, sharing what little means they have to provide food and shelter to those who have lost everything during this tragic times. And you know what. That is so freaking awesome. I love these sort of news. I love reading articles and incidents that restore my 'faith in humanity'. In the midst of all this horror and terror in the dailies day in and day out. Stories like these.

There are so many more news of worth and warmth in Chennai happening right now. My wish is that they all come out safe and healthy when all this does pass. And that word of these amazing people and their humanity reach to everyone out there, who like me are in dire of something good to hold on to. Something to say that we as a specie still deserve to be around. We are still deserving to be called human.

Day 74 : WTH

I haven't written here in a while. Yes, I have excuses for it. But no point giving it out here, they're excuses nonetheless. This blog does come to mind almost every other afternoon while I am at work. I even open up the 'new post' page a few times but something else comes up or I drift away to do something else. (ADHD much?)

Just goes to show how much importance we seem to give for our New Year’s resolutions.

Anyhoo..

Um. Let's see what we shall talk about today. I don't know really. All I thought about coming here today was, damn I really should be adding a post in there soon. I do intend to write something worth the while in here, but of late I don't find many things happening that can be really seen as positive in any way. There is this GoodNews site that I visit often, but even in there updates come too infrequently of late. I don't know if it's cuz they are downsizing in there, or whether it is just that even they are not finding enough good news floating around anywhere in the planet anymore. I do hope it's not the latter. And if it is the first, that would still count as not a GoodNews. (Irony?)

Every time I open the newspapers (or mostly any news site). The page is always filled with terror attacks/scares, shootings, killers on the loose, massacres, rapes, financial meltdowns, quakes, pollution, draught. Damn. No wonder people are so pissed off these days. Anger and chaos is what the newspapers are filled with.

At my work, whenever I open the Google News page, I am taken to the US Edition of the headlines. Couple of weeks back there was this shooting of a couple of early morning breakfast TV show hosts in Virginia, US. And you know what's more, as sad and devastating as the news of the killing was, the very next headline on that same page was about some celebrity being bitchy about some other female celebrity's comment about her. I don't know why, though they are both very different news sites and completely different topics, seeing them together like that made me feel like this was somehow trivializing the whole incident. Let the horror sink in just a little bit before you take our attention away to celebrity gossip.

I don't suppose that makes any sense to you. Let me elaborate.

These past couple of years there has been a big outburst of violence all over the globe, every single country has their own raising stats in the 'death by violent-crimes' category. That is the only are for any increase that I see for any country now. But I don't see people getting nabbed for their crimes at the same rate as the crimes are being committed. There are so many killings, and assaults, and violence in so many places.

Are we in some way collectively getting overly violent as a specie? Or has something really gone wrong along the way and we're all now destined to end up on the path of The Purge. And I am still not very sure how that thing works!

This bloody mess doesn't make any sense. When did such things get so common? Aren't things like such extreme violence and crazed psychotic episodes happen a few times a decade? Isn't this happening way too often now? Or is it just me. Am I only seeing this?

Apparently not... Watch this!

I am scared... I am scared for all of us... We are all collectively loosing our sh*t.

Day 73 : To Be or Not To Be

I am at a very tricky position in life right now. Not entirely sure which way to choose. There are two paths in front of me. Both very good and both exciting. Both may even lead to a relatively awesome outcome. But one is giving it to be easy, while other may/may not be as easy. One is going to a scenic route to paradise; another is going to be a rather drab rocky route there. Both check off some or the other feature that I am looking for. Both are not a hundred percent, both are close. They both have their own virtues, both have their own poisons.

The main thing that scares is this one decision is going to decide the next dozen years of my life. And we are not that equipped to take that sort of decision. If it was your life, I'd have been the best advisor you can hope for. Objective, resourceful and creative. But now that I have a personal stake at the outcome of this one decision. This really does not seem that easy to do. Darn the pressure. I am thinking too much I suppose. I have in past just tossed a coin and decided on things. Left it to luck. But most of those decisions have been inconsequential of course. Their outcome does not show up on your obituary or on the headstone - "Here lies Prem, who chose to have chocolate ice-cream instead of vanilla on August 22, 2015."

I blame this on the internet. It has virtually rendered us handicapped by not letting us make decisions for ourselves. There is Yahoo Answers, Quora, Twitter, StackExchange, WikiHow and a dozen other sites where we post up a question to complete strangers and they bring out their suggestions and solution, however relevant, practical and crazy they may be. And honestly that is a scary world. Giving a complete stranger on the internet, like someone with a handle crzylegz918, the reins of your life is a little haunting. You cannot make crucial decisions on life based on what some guy says online, he could very well be some loner guy sitting on an ancient IBM in his mamma's basement.

We've all become too soft in the taking personal decisions field. We let things happen to us that take a stand and decide things for ourselves. It is a daunting challenge. A challenge at times everybody has to face in life. And hopefully you'd take the right one. Only time can tell...

Day 72 : Social Media Scare

Like almost every millennial out there, I also tend to lean towards the liberal sort of thinking - the usual civil and amenable principles of equality for all, pro-choice, anti-violence and such. I don't necessarily get into a deep debate over it with everyone. Nor do I post what I feel about every darn thing to happen all over the world. I have people like that on my Facebook; I cringe at the sight of their lofty phrases and holier-than-thou statements about racism, fascisms, sexism and all the other 'isms. I really don't get how you posting a scathing comment on a 9gag article or a deep righteous status update about the malnutrition in an African country are going to solve anything of their problems.

The thing that baffles me the most is the click-bait titles of some of the articles shared on social media. The culprits of this crime are mostly the usual suspects of the internet - ScoopWhoop, Cracked, CNN, FoxNews, and AskMen etc. Their crime is that they bombard your feed with so much negative and unnecessarily ghastly articles that your brain is in advertently compelled to absorb all the negative news and bad vibes into your life and in the end you start getting more and more bugged about the life around you.

We are all very much co-dependent in nature. We assume that we won't be that affected by a village getting ransacked in South America. But that registers inside of you. We assume that some wild carnivore gets poached in Africa doesn't affect your daily life. But it really does. You see whenever you see or know of something vile or inhumane happening around you. Some part of your humanity stands up and takes notice. I am not a scientist; I wouldn't what to name or define this feeling. But we have a huge capacity to empathize with other human beings. When you see Jim Carey getting kicked repeatedly in the nards, you involuntarily cross your legs and feel a tiny weird sensation that you'd been kicked down there.

A couple of weeks back there was a video doing the rounds all over the Net. A rather ghastly one. A scorned lover in some part of Asia goes to a clothing store where his ex-girl works. Gets into a heated argument with her. Then the guy gets a knife from under his belt strap and starts stabbing the woman. There is screaming and yelling by the customers who were shopping around them. They all run in the other direction, trying the get as much distance as possible from this crazed man with a knife. He goes on stabbing; the woman is now on the floor thrashing about in vain. Some men come into the aisle and start yelling at him. He stands up and starts to brandish his knife around at them shouting unintelligibly. He sees that he is now surrounded by people, gives up and takes the blade to his throat and slits it ear to ear. He falls to the ground in a heap, blood pouring from his open throat.

Now. Could you please explain to me what can possibly be the reason that you and I had to go witness all of that? What are we possibly gaining by this sort of information being bombarded on us?

The world is a strange devious place with many things to scare and disappoint you. Is there a need to add to it by clicking 'share' to such stuff?

I have seen that video, and I cannot shred it out of my mind anymore. It is like Daniel Pearl all over again.

Day 71 : Having a Good Time!

Sometimes there comes a day when you feel like things are just a bit to weird. Well weirder that usual at least. Most of our time we spend walking around like a tin soldier. We only go to bed at night to key back again, only to wake up the next day and repeat the same BS all over again. Our days become inexplicably merged together. All of it goes by so fast, and of so little consequence that soon begin to wonder if the last year did happen at all. Or did the universe just skip a few months and the people in it are just in on the prank. Everyone is just playing a trick on you. Or maybe just soon you will wake up one day an all of this will be just a half-remembered dream.

There are times when some guy comes up to me and says, 'remember that we did that thing', and I want to bash his stupid face in. Because I do not remember the first thing of what he is saying. And what sucks more is when the story he is describing is such a laugh riot, and you did play a part in it. And by the looks of it, you would've really enjoyed it a lot. But heck if you remember even bit of any of it. This sucks. You are always complaining that you seem to be having a very monotonous life and nothing of any excitement has been happening anymore. Then you begin to realize that things do happen. You really do not change. People around you do not really change. The way you react with them, do not really change. What mostly happens is that the good times do not register as often into your brain as it used to earlier.

You see, as you progress with your life your expectation and definition of what 'having a good time' means gets blown way out of proportion. You think having a good time means, getting wasted on the deck of a cruise ship with pretty girls and blue ocean all around you. How often does that happen anyway? Not all of can be Jordan Belfort from The Wolf of Wall Street. And also the truth is you don't really need to own a 100K yacht to enjoy yourself. At least you never really needed them in the past did you? You always had a rowdy ol' time with your friends and colleagues. What has changed? Have you become boring now? Don't people include you in their funcapades anymore?

Not true. As far you know you are not missing out on any exciting nights happening around you. Maybe you are just getting old, and so are the people around you. Maybe what people you know do for having fun has changed as well. Maybe getting wasted is not a big priority for them anymore. And anyways, you never got high on anything earlier either did you, so why should it matter now? Even now you can get people to enjoy themselves, go out of their way to feel the moment. And isn't what having a good time is all about. To actually stop the constant monologue going on inside your head, and see/hear/feel of whatever you are doing or wherever you are doing it. Really, just noticing your life at any instance of time makes it memorable.

Make memories. It is much cheaper to do than you'd think.

Day 70 : Who are you?

Most of the time when someone comes up to a stranger and asks who he/she was; the usual reply is that the person is an accountant, banker, journalist, engineer or something. Is that what we all are? Is that how we see ourselves? When come to think of our own existence do we all define this life of ours by what we do?

Maybe that's kind of obvious, maybe that would be how everyone'd define their lives. Though I think that is only because we are all now so habitual to taking the easy way out. We really hate raking our brains for anything these days. Any thought or feeling that cannot be tweeted out in 140 characters is not worth the effort. After all what do we really do in this day and age just for the sake of enjoying it and not for getting the maximum likes and re-tweets in social media?

Yes. The easiest answer to "Who am I?" is your job. That thing that you do to earn your living. And never really thought much of in the first place.

We all hate being put on the spot. Having to think of an answer to a question that can be so ambiguous and ambitious at the same time, is a big responsibility for our timid brains. It clearly is not equip to handle such sort of heavy digging. And even if we do chisel out a seemingly perfect answer for the question, who is to say that would be the end of it. Any conversation can go any which way based on this one question.

The social media sites have also caught on with this dilemma I suppose. Everyone wants to know "What's happening?" or "What's on your mind?" or "Tell me about yourself" We are all so constantly expected to able to churn out smart charming witty lines that soon we begin to filter and measure out everything that we say and do. And that seeps into our thought process. I don't think any of us really have had and original, personal idea in ages. What we think, and what we perceive of the world around is simply force-fed to us by the System. Yes, that does sound very Mr Robot-ish. But then, isn't that the truth?

I'd like for us to really change the way we think, act, and carry ourselves. We really need to have a personality that is of ourselves, and not a strange mixture of the people we admire or the see in the many screens of our devices. We do have a persona or character. Now that must have been buried under all the layers of BS we carry around each day, but trust me it is there. All we have to do is just really roll up our sleeves and go out have experiences. The more see, and do, and feel the more we learn about ourselves than anything or anyone else.

No one wants to know your job titles, except if you're looking for a job. Next time when someone asks, "who are you?" for Pete’s sake, just tell them your name and say that you read or fart or something.

FSociety.

Day 69 : Milestones

I know it's been a while since I wrote something here. Promise I am working something that's going to be worth the while. Till then.

Find my today's post in here - Milestones

Day 68 : Mr. Mercedes - Book Review

I am a big fan of Mr. King. So no matter what he writes or says or does, I am going to read/listen/support him come what may. Call be biased, but The King is the living defacto ruler of the horror fiction. Ask any constant reader of his work you will hear only praises for him.

This book is about a mass murderer who just shows up, kills over half a dozen jobless people one dank morning, and the seemingly disappears from the face of the earth never to be heard of again. He’s dubbed Mr. Mercedes by the masses owing to the vehicle he had used to run over his unwary victims. His act had caused a lot of furor and rage, media had gone 'batshit crazy' over this 'national tragedy'. (These words have started to feel so superfluous now.)

This book is also about a retired cop who was the primary working on the investigation to catch this killer. The ex-cop is now living a life of lonesome and TV robot-like addiction. He is one of those retirees who'd left a high-functioning highly-active job and now doesn't know what to do with himself. A man without purpose, at times he sits there with a revolver in front of him, building up courage to use it on himself, to find a way out of his sad lonely life. He is not built to survive in the modern age, he does not belong in the age of so much technology.

This book is also about two other characters one younger and other older in age. One male other one female. One mentally much older than he seems, other too mentally impeded to seem of her age. These characters and their perspective bring the story into the 21st century. And add the Watson to the ex-cop’s Holmes.

This book is about Stephen King trying to bring his style of impending doom and sense of human frailty into the modern literature arena that is now too cluttered with YA books and books fantasy trilogies and sexual deviation trilogies. He has introduced a trio here that he'd use in at least one other new books of his. (Finders Keepers.) A trilogy in the making? Like the Hardy Boys. It does feel queer to think Stephen King writing a Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew like books.

This is book is about Stephen King trying to bring technology into his form of scare fest. Here mostly used to solve the jigsaw puzzle of macabre. I suspect we can see something from him in this direction pretty soon. I’d definitely read that!

This is book is for the Constant Reader for whom the writer gives out little easter eggs and wink-winks with mention of his more popular works of the past. The clown, the car, the dog, the hotel.

This is book most importantly for people like me who have followed Stephen King's work throughout the decades and now at this point will ravish any smidgen of genius he outputs.

Long live the King.

Day 67 : Poems

I have a friend who is a big fan of poetry. Writes a little of it himself, mostly in tamil. And mostly in old Tamil which consists of two many complicated words that we generally used in common dialogues now. So obviously makes it a lot tougher for me to comprehend. But once he gets around to explaining to me what these words mean, I turn and compliment him on the great poem it was. Then he starts on his usual rant over how poetry is dead.

I am not kidding, this is like a routine now. Every other weak he sends over a text with a peom and voice clip of him reciting it. I reply to him asking a few meanings. He calls up to explain the meaning of them words. I understand them, he reads the whole thing again, I compliment him on how good the poem was. He starts his usual rant. Which goes on for about ten minutes, or the end of the talktime on his mobile, whichever comes first.

I do get what he's saying though. I mean, how many of us really do the whole poetry thing anyway. Everything that we see is in prose (or rap). Even the new Spoken Word fad is really just prose words written in rhyme. I sort of do miss the whole poetry style that we had in the earlier times. And some of them were really good. Poetry can say so much about so many things, in so few words. I love it!

These are the one's that most recently caught my attention - 

Day 66 : Eggs In The Basket

I think it was Warren Buffet, who said, 

'Do not put your eggs in many baskets.

Keep all your eggs in one basket, but watch that basket closely.'

I do get what he was talking about now. 

Why you ask? Well let’s just say that I've been graced with an array of a few very exciting eggs for the past couple of months. Few very interesting prospects indeed. Things were looking to get all the more interesting very soon as well. But of late, mostly this month, I've been witnessing them eggs go to rot one by one. Not a pretty sight as you could obviously guess. And not a single thing I can do about it either. 

Don't fret now, this not going to be a depressing post with my whining about stuff. I am not one to spill my shit in the open. At least not on this blog, I have another blog for my thinly veiled autobiographical fiction.

Anyways, back to the eggs. There are a few things in there, I think now, that I could've handled better and sooner. But most of these things were as then kept on a slow flame cooking away, so I'd obviously thought to give it sometime, let it all stew for a while. Thought everything will play out just fine in the end. A very amateur move indeed. When has anything ever come anybody's way by just waiting for it? Woody Allen famously said - 'Eighty percent of success is just showing up.' Well damn, there wasn't even much of a chance of showing up in here. If at all there was, nobody clued me in anything about the location.

My point in all of this is - Mr. Buffet was right. 

You see, when there are a lot of things going around with you. You end up juggling all of them simultaneously and inevitably raising the chances of them fouling up on you pretty soon. One by one all of your chances have gone kaput. When so many things are going on, there is really not much chance for you to concentrate on one specific thing. And you end up giving a lot of the stuff up to chance and luck. These little thing that you over look or just plain think as inconsequential, are the things that come up out of the blue and bite you in the ass. Luck is never a harbinger of success. Luck is just a friend that comes by to meet you once in a blue moon, only to find that he's got the wrong address and gets cozy with the lady staying at the wrong door he knocks. Luck never gets to you when you need it, even when it does come to you a lot if it is plain cross connection.

And how often does that really happen?

Getting your hopes in a bunch of different things will only get you day dreaming a lot more. Start avoiding putting in the extra effort you usually does. Even start being smug with the people around you. I guess it is much practical to hope for one thing at a time, and prime up all your efforts for just that one thing.

This way you are giving this one thing your all, you have the most to say about what the outcome is, you are in CONTROL.

This will also mean that when things get sour, you have nobody else to blame but your damn self. Nobody likes to own up to any of the blame, and just to avoid that there is a good chance that you will start working extra hard for the thing that you desire. You are in CONTROL.

These things have a lot to do with our own sense of purpose I suppose. We cannot just waltz through life thinking that good things would just be dropped into our laps. Wish it were that easy. Some blows in life will take you by surprise; some will take your breath away. But every single blow thrown at you will make you wary of the next. You will be aware if life tries to sucker punch the same way again. And if you let it happen again, you can't really blame anyone for it. You've taken it before, and still were no wiser for it the next time. It is wholly your fault.

I suppose we all could be more unidirectional with our progress through life. You cannot go to sleep wishing to be an astronaut one day and dream of being a musician the next. Things have to happen gradually and over a long strenuous period of time. And all through that long duration, you have to bust you ass working on whatever it is you desire. That ONE thing you desire.

Get all of the eggs that you want for yourself. Club them into this one big dream basket.

Work. Your. Ass. Off.

Make sure that basket doesn’t come down torn on top of you, with egg yolk and egg shells all over your head, and you looking like a darn fool.

Day 65 : Nothing Important

I am reading Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King right now. Pretty good book with the usual King-ness to it; quirky, weird and whole lot unnerving. But this post is not to be a book review that is to come later.

I am pretty sure about my vocabulary depth. But every once in a while whenever I am reading a book I come across a word that throws me off balance. Mostly I try to guess it based on the context but sometimes the word is so mysterious there is no hint at what it means. That happens mostly while reading anything by Dan Brown, that guy must sit with a freaking thesaurus while writing most of his mysterious words are also of the most rarely used breed. Our King does the same as well, but his 'new' words are usually in context and once you look up its meaning you cannot think of any more conventional word that could take its place.

Today's word -

Alacrity /əˈlakrədē/ (noun)

A brisk and cheerful readiness.

That's a rather beautiful word, isn't it? Even saying it out loud gives a little jump in your decibels. It really does do justice to the notion it is supposed to stand for. I sort of do think I need to change my Twitter handle and self-bio everywhere else now. This word does seem apt. I must be alacritous about every damn thing on this planet.

Today we were in this conference call with a bunch of folks from work, vendors and client analysts. Usual project health analysis and stuff. Blah blah. The light goes dim, the presentation starts. The same PowerPoint goes up on everybody's screen that’s joined the meeting from home. In between somebody pings on my mobile from within the room, a colleague asking anybody up to skip the meeting halfway? Who do you think was the first person out? Yours truly.

(Only one other skipped with me though, the rest - traitors)

Anyway. This was a completely pointless post about a WORD. There you go. Now you know how bored I am right now.

(Except Mr. Mercedes of course. This one is bloody brilliant!)

Day 64 : Fahrenheit 451 - Book Review

Ray Bradbury is one of those rare breed of writers who is capable of creating whole new universes out of very few words. This is only the second book of his I've read. Only just as big as my palm, and as thick as my thumb. Considering the type of work he usually does, this is a very big accomplishment. His books deal with aliens, and weird species, and the supernatural, and a distant possible dystopian future. Things and events in his book are usually out of this world, unfamiliar and unknown to the readers. Him being able to transport you to that place, is by itself is a big accomplishment. But doing it in such a small bulk of a book, without intimidating the novice reader, which is a feat worth singing ballads for.

I am a big fan of his writing. And F 451 makes my resolve even stronger. This book at first couple dozen page feels like something out of The Twilight Zone, incidentally he's written for that show as well. The protagonist, Guy Montag, is a fireman working for a City in an unspecified future. Only in this world, the fireman's responsibility is not to put out the fire but to cause it. In this future, it is believed that books and informational print of any sort is the cause for world's downward spiral. A world where any progressive thought or belief not pre-approved or mandated by the System is illegal. The world here is addicted to TV stories and soap drama (inspiration for Hunger Games?). This norm seemed to work for the most of the population there. Most of the people here know only of this world, and hence are content with it. And now and then if any books are to be discovered, down comes the firemen to douse it in liquid flames.

Come one day, during another routine day at work our hero goes to a house where it was alerted to the authorities a bunch of books were hidden away. They get to work; tear down the walls and drapes. Gather all the books they could find, pour kerosene over it and one by one move to the front lawn leaving one behind to put it all to fire. That guy is Montag. And he is in a dilemma; the lady of the house who hid the books doesn't want to leave them. She'd rather burn along with them. That passion, that level of attachment to a few glued together sheets of paper confuses Montag. And here starts our story. With a woman hugging her books, inside a house put to flames by one of Montag's coworkers.

This book has only a handful of characters, but each so rich and so important to the storyline. You will feel attached to all of them, feel like you've known them for ages. And the philosophical monologues, that almost all of them inevitably has in this book proves to be more riveting than obnoxious.

There is a storyline much like this in one of the short stories in his other book, Illustrated Man. Both times the world he writes of, a world without books did scare the living crap out of me. That would be one sad world indeed.

This book is a must read for all book lovers. Something to pick up on a lazy Friday afternoon, complete before it is evening tea time on Saturday. And spend rest of the weekend, having day nightmares about a world without your favorite books.

The terror.

Day 63 : Why I Will Not Mourn Jon Snow.

This morning the internet is filled with a lot of hue and cry over last night's death of Jon Snow, Bastard of Winterfell and the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch.

(If you have no clue what I am talking about, stop reading. Leave. Just leave)

I can understand where all that is coming from, honestly I do. Lord Snow is a very relatable character. Honorable and naive to a fault. And though it is a popular belief that He Knows Nothing, every time when faced against great odds he always comes through, every single time. And come on, he dueled with and killed a White Walker single handedly. Who else living in all of Westeros can say that. (Sam Tarly's was a fluke, doesn't count.)

That I think is the main reason why I just won't mourn Eddard Stark's bastard yet. The ASIOF and GOT both need a hero, someone we can all root for. Jon Snow has been playing that role for a while now. And as is the tradition of the Andals, the honorable men are always to be first beaten down, weakened, slaughtered, but always find a way back to power (or life). Come back with a bang and bring havoc to those that wronged them (remember Lady Stoneheart?).

There are a bunch of theories out there about what is really going to happen in the coming months and years in Westeros and Essos. Some of which G R R Martin has secretly hinted at being true. And a lot many of which involve Jon Snow. True, this mutiny happens in the books as well, maybe not exactly for the reasons as it does in the show. But yes, Jon does get stabbed by a lot many of his sworn bothers. And yes, all of them do so saying "For the Watch". In the book as it is in the show, Snow is there dying. No doubt about that. But he is not shown to be dead yet.

(And in the show... um, have you noticed Jon Snow's eyes when he lies there? The pupils dilate. Who's to say whether it was by plan or not. Who's to say that is not a hint that he's been transported into Ghost? After all he is rumored to be a warg isn't he?)

But most of all, the reason I WILL NOT mourn Jon Snow is one very specific theory about the final outcome of the Song Of Ice and Fire. - The Three Headed Dragon.

We all know there are at present three dragons in Westeros - Drogon, Rhaegal, Viserion

Did you know there are supposedly three other Targaryen at present in Westeros. Yes, Daenerys Stormborn is not the only one. Guess who?

Candidate 1:

Tyrion Lannister - Dwarf. Imp. Father Slayer. Remember that part where his father says when Tyrion shoots him in the gut for the second time? "You are no son of mine." Agreed anyone can see it as a hate spouted off of on a spoilt child shooting arrows at his father. Perfectly understandable. 

But did you know that, in the book Tyrion has one green eye (Lannister trait) and one black (Like Daenery's). Also Tyrion's hair is said to be more of a platinum blonde than the usual Lannister golden. Rumor has it. Tywin Lanninster's wifey Joanna had something with the Mad Kind, of which Tyrion was born. The outcome of the mating of the Lion and the Dragon was supposed to be ill-fated, hence the birth of the malformed infant and the death of the mother. Hearsay? Maybe. But you gotta agree, he'd be a brilliant ruler.

Candidate 2:

Jon Snow - Bastard. Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. Wields the Longclaw. Rumored to be wargs with his pet direwolf 'Ghost'. As mentioned before are a lot of theories floating around about the parentage of Jon Snow. Most popular being "R + L = J". 

All along Jon's lifetime and our history with the books and the show it is been repeatedly mentioned that Jon's the son of Ned Stark, born of a woman he'd had a thing with when he was off warring with long time pal Robert Baratheon. And it is also been said repeatedly, even after his demise, that how much of a honorable man Lord Eddard Stark really is. So I sort call bullshit on the theory that this big mighty honorable man let it all go for a bit of action some damp lonely night, allegedly with Ashara Dayne. I just can't fathom Daddy Stark doing that. But how about him taking the fall for somebody else? Somebody he thought he'd be able to protect if he took the blame for fathering this child? Somebody whose protection was his solemn oath to somebody he loved dearly.

Remember Lyanna Stark princess of Winterfell? Remember her last words to Ned Stark? "Promise me, Ned". What does she want Ned to promise her? How about her child with Rhaegar Targaryen. A son. Jon Snow. A child born with the blood of the First Men and of the Dragon. The last of child of the d     ragon lineage, a dynasty that Robert had sworn to kill off no matter what. So avoid a nasty argument with his bro, Ned just takes the baby boy back to Winterfell and raises him as his own child. Now that's something like what an honorable man like Ned Stark would do.

Tentative Candidate 3:

Aegon Targaryen. There is a character from the books that has not so far showed up in the show. A child with Elia Martell. Another of Rhaegar's. So this one has the Dornish and Dragon blood running in his veins. And supposedly has a bigger claim to the Iron Throne than his aunt Daenery's.

By now we all know, the really war that is coming is not for sitting on the Iron Throne, but for survival against the Others and the White Walkers. To that effect throughout the story there has been two main Prophecies mentioned - Azor Ahai and the Prince that was Promised.

Now with all that information injected into you.

Let me paint you picture about the final battle scene of the ASOIAF/GOT.

We’re at a famous historical spot in Westeros, Moat Catlin. The same spot where the Children of the Forest camped to keep the First Men at bay. 

To the north there is the largest army ever seen in all of Westeros and Essos and Asshai and the Seven Seas. The army of the dead men, and wights, and polar bears, and giants, and ice spiders, and other ghostly cold ghouls of the Old Nan’s stories. The vanguard is a battalion of White Walkers in their special armor and weapons of ice. And their Leader King, maybe the Night King. He strong, ruthless, and commands the most deadly host ever seen.

This is a very intimidating sight.

Opposing them, to the south, is an army of all of the Andals joined together as one.  The Greyjoys, and Boltons, and Lannisters, and the Baratheons, and the Mormonts, and the Arryn, and the Khals and the Face Less Men, and Meerenese, and the Children of the Forest, and the wildlings. And the Targaryen.The leaders of each of the large houses are at the vanguard. Including three Dragons. Mounted by three Targaryens.

The Mother of Dragons rides on Drogon. Tyrion Lannister riding Rhaegar. Young Aegon on Viserion. The leader of them all Jon Snow. Brought back to life by Lord of Fire. Riding his dire wolf, Ghost, with flaming red eyes. His sword of Valyrian steel, Longclaw, is now the flaming Lightbringer. His whole body radiates heat. He is Azor Ahai. Young Aegon is the Prince that was Promised.

Together they shall all wage a glorious war against the Darkness...

Now tell me. Don't you think something like that would turn up in the final chapters of ASOIAF?!

(Ooh mama. Bring it on!)

Day 62 : Gone Girl - Book Review

"I am a great husband because I am very afraid she may kill me."

There aren't many books out there that have that one line which gives away the complete plot altogether.

This book is like the "How to Scare the Living Crap Out of your Husband, enough to Make Him Stay Married with You" manual for newlywed wives. Any person man/woman ought to read this once when they get that giddy feeling to get hitched to the one they are currently porking. Then sit and contemplate whether they are really smart enough to out-maneuver their spouses in matters of pure evil. This book would bring things into perspective.

Say what you must about the storyline - Amy Elliott Dunne is one craaazy conniving genius!

She is the best part of the book. And the flow and texture of the book will help you in keep coming back to her with more excitement. Like most Anti-Heroes of late, you will end up rooting for this villain.

There are parts/characters in the book that will stand out like a sore thumb though. Most of that has to do with the writer Gillian Flynn's incessant need to inject new-age feminism into every single page of this otherwise well-written book. If we were to remove the snarky male bashing paragraphs in the book, it'd probably come down by at least 200 odd pages. There is so much of this malice going on in the book that if you are a woman and have not really been affected by the misogynistic society in your life, by the end you'd feel like you've too got take up a placard and fight for your sisters around the world.

That is probably the only thing that'd make me want to not recommend this book to some people. The feminism thing stands out so much that you soon develop a detector for it and your mind quickly tends to skip over parts that calls out men on their bullshit. The writer has already told you that a zillion times, couldn't tell us more about how Amy plans to murder Desi or get back at Able Andie. I really did wish Ms Flynn had spent some time on fleshing out those parts of Amy's POVs. Those were some of the better parts of the book.

All in all it is a good book. Well thought out suspense and impressive lead characters. Read it along with the OST from the David Fincher movie, very apt.

P.S. - If you're reading this book now, you must've probably seen the movie. So I'd just let you know right away - THE MOVIE IS BETTER.

Book Review

Day 61 : Mister Right and Miss Cool Girl

I’d just gotten off the phone with a serious headache and resonating 'eeeeee' noise in my ears. Well, you try get off an hour long call with a hyperactive girl trying to explain how frigging awesome her new boyfriend is. Let me save you the hassle, it is torture. Especially, if you've been having a nascent crush on this girl for some time. Why don't I do anything you ask? Well she's an old school mate, and one of my best friends in school dated her for a while. And you do not mess with the Bro-Code. But damn man, how was I to know she’d grow up to be such a hottie. Shame.

Anyways, now after a round of some aspirin-like pill and a drink of cold water, here I am sitting in front of my machine trying to work. And there is this one thing about our conversation that keeps coming back to me. Every other sentence she'd say 'and you know what just feels so RIGHT about him...' then she'd proceed to tell me just what mind-numbingly cheesy thing this dork did to get her to make out with him. (No! Of course I am not jealous at all. I promise.)

She is one of those girls who thinks that the guy who quits a bunch of his favorite things just to please her. Or does cute things for her, even if he doesn't realize he is. Is the one for her. Let me just tell one thing to all the women out there, we completely realize what we are doing! Do you think any one of us dumbasses is capable of being Mr. Right just by divine fate? Hell no! A lot of meticulous planning and a history of messed-up experience/research goes into creating your version of Mr. Right. So if you think you have found your Mr. Right, who simply just seems to get you, take my word for it this guy, this wonderful guy, has had a lot of practice being a dick with other girls till he got around to priming his game to as you know it now.

We men are not perfect, not even by a long shot. We are dirty, stinky, lazy dumbasses who like doing dumb shit just 'cause. We hate doing those girly things that you love so much. And we definitely hate that cute flowery bed sheet you bought into our bedrooms last month! We do not enjoy haircuts; we get them because growing greasy dreadlocks with occasional Cheetos in it is frowned upon at work. I mean, we would all be sitting there on our couches in the same set of clothes (or not at all) and watch TV all day if society didn't make it a mandate to pay for stuff. If men had their way the world would be a much shabbier (albeit awesome) place than it is now.

And don't get me wrong, you women are no walk in the park either. Hypocrites. You will walk about in high heels, spend like a thousand bucks on cosmetics a week and then turn around and say how misogynous today’s society is. I mean, come on, you are the one who is portraying yourself as the prepped up doll each week to score points with the leering crowd. I am hell sure that you don't buy those thongs and them underwire bras just cause of the heavenly comfort of them. I know society's dealt you with a shitty hand, but with all these fake stuff all over you are only playing right into their trap. Heck, even mother nature seems to have given you enough of bother with all that childbirth and PMS and whatnots.

You women are not perfect. You are complex, too needy, too kind, too generous, too naive, too sick, too angry, too mellow, too silent, too bold, and too shy. And that is just during the first half of your day. By the end of your lunch break you turn into something different altogether. And people around you have to start from scratch again to try making sense of any of it.

Men will never understand women. And women are forever destined to crave for a guy who just 'gets them'. Both are forever destined for disappointment.

We are all programmed by the media, and the books, and the songs about the kind of people we need to look for as suitable mates. Or the kind of things our spouses have to do to earn any of our affection. I am one of those people who just think all that is BULLSHIT!

There is no one method to find somebody that you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. Nor is there any one specific test that this person has to pass to make it into your good graces. Love has to just happen, I suppose. Affection does not come out of a do-it-yourself box. You cannot do this, this, and this, and the - 'Voila! The girl is in love with you'.

There is no Mister Right and there is no Miss Cool Girl. Get over that dream, ladies and beeps.

None of us is perfect. We are all just bunch of ugly, complex, pieces of messed up baggage walking around in search for some companionship. The best we can do is find somebody with whom we can be completely honest, and pray to Lord Almighty that this person doesn't turn chicken out of the blue and get his scared ass out of there before you can say 'noodle soup'.

Day 60 : What is Honor?

Honor can mean so many things to so many people. All I know for sure now is, that it used to mean whole lot more earlier, than what it stands for now. Everybody is out there playing their own version of the Game. Everyone scheming, and moving their life around to build their own little castles in the air. Most think that what they do actually mean something. It will lead to something worthwhile for everyone. But in the end what most of it leads to is just another sorry excuse made by a sorry-ass prick trying to make sense of whatever shit it is that he is doing right now. There's this one line that I've heard someplace. 'If you are doing something that calls for you having to do explainin' and shit, take my word for it, that something is most definitely ain't good.'

There is not much hope for anyone these days to go out there and that things will get handed over to him on a silver platter. 'Things that have to go wrong will go wrong'. That guy Murphy knew it before any of y'all and he was a bloody right about it. The best we can do now is just hope that we do not mess things up so much that we screw the people around us as well in the process. I guess that is the only honorable thing that we can manage to do now-a-days. Do our crap to ourselves. Mess things up for ourselves. But when we go out and do things to other's life that is when we've gone and done wrong for sure.

These things have no coming back from. You will forever be 'That Guy'. You will have that title follow wherever you go. Even if they do not say it your face. Once they know that you have it in you to harm them in any way. They will shut out a part of themselves for you. A part that was always open for you to come and go as you please, is not closed shut for business. In the beginning you will not notice it, but that silent sigh once in a while. And do-what-you-have-to shrug when you ask them for an opinion about something, they all add up one day like a small tornado building up to become one that bring down skyscrapers.

Every relationship that you build in life isn't completely incorruptible. Relationships are actually very easy to get go ripe and rot at the drop of a hat. Everyone only likes the people who treats them well and gets things done when they need it. Yes it is a little selfish maybe. But when you sit and think about it, don't you think that is what everything comes down to? Can you name anyone in your life except your parents that has ever done good anything for you, 'just because'? Even some of the siblings and spouses do bad shit to each other all the time. Doesn't mean that they do not love you. In a way they do, a lot even. But then as we all know, love is corruptible as well, a lot.

I suppose things don't really need to be this way. Things can be a lot better between people. But people can only be as they are. And people are just big bags of messed up emotions and priorities. We do bad things for no reason and most just at the spur of the moment with little or no thought process going into it. We obfuscate our existence in the process and are forever destine ask ourselves in the dead of the night, 'What am I doing with my life?'

Honor. Isn't what it used to be? It still can be. If not for the fact that there aren't many honorable men/women left out there anymore.

We all bungle and botch our way through lives. We are all destined to make a mess of things. The least of honorable thing we can do is to not let any of reach into life of others. I guess we owe at least that much to the ones we hold dear.

Today, try to be honorable.

Day 59 : Work Life Balance

For past few days I've been having my morning tea at office with some newer colleagues of mine. People who have joined the company recently. Senior folks who've had a lot experience in bunch of other establishments and somehow now find themselves in the next cubicle with a secret stash of Game of Thrones mugs and posters in one of his desk drawers. 

I like mingling at work, that's one of the good things about me, I am sort of proud of the fact that I know most of the people in my floor by name and shoulder fists. And they have same of me. So undoubtedly I talk to all the new folks, find something we have in common so that when we happen to stand close at the Men's there are no awkward silences while we both try our best to look straight at the wall in front of us.

Today while having tea and breakfast with these folks, a topic that started with getting smart about financial investment went on into past girlfriends in college, to wave boarding, and finally to work-life balance in all of their previous companies. I agree those are quite a lot of tangents in a 30 minute conversation. Well you are bound to have a lot of those when you are in conversation with me.

Anyways, apparently this has been a major deciding factor for all of these folks while switching companies. They all have had at least own rotten experience in their life where they've had to spend more time in office than at home, something they all despised, and having going almost broke paying medical bills for stress and exhaustion related ailments. Most of these men are at least a decade older than me. So most of their part of the conversation involves them lecturing sage words of wisdom about work in IT life. I really don't mind any of it, honestly. I actually do enjoy listening to stories of other people. It makes people very personal and relatable. I like that.

There was one person who used to work in a Dot Com start up back in the 2000's when it was in its last throes of glory. Back when a sites' success was not based on the shock value or media buys. Not every website had to sell-out to be a success. He seemed to be passionate about it, a lot more than he is about his work now. Well he has been into this for over 15 years; I guess the heat wears off in time. He likens his time at the startup to the time in every relationship when the romance has just started and you've just begun shacking it up. You are discovering new things about each others. Each part is a mystery, and you enjoy solving the mysteries. Both about her and about you. But soon the pace tires you out. You are beat and breathless. The passion weans out. And you begin to think to cut loose before things get a lot worse for you. You quit/breakup.

There was another person who used to work in a hardcore tech environment. His company used to develop software for various industries to manage their invoice and inventory system. All very complex and technical. Highly crucial and high profile stuff. Very stressful, a lot of money was on the line to afford to goof things up. He worked there for 5 years. Had to be hospitalized twice, destroyed his relationship with a long time girlfriend and now has nothing but a car a lifelong heart disease to show for it. The sad part was that he never realized things were that bad when he was there. There was no epiphany, or a moment of clarity where he came to realize how this one job was dragging his life into the gutter and he quit. The fact was that he was laid off during the recession. He gave up all the good parts for this company and it gave him up for a newer and a much younger prey. I think he hated that part the most.

There was another guy who used to work in the IT department of a banking firm. He seemed to have a much more relaxed work life. A bit too relaxed as matter of fact. He worked there for eight years. He was in his twenties when he joined right out of college, smart and energetic. Also very young. So he obviously enjoyed all the free time. He used to leave work soon while all of his buddies were still toiling away at their desks. He had a lot of time for himself. And he spent most of it high on booze and "playing the field" (I know. That's exactly what he said!). He spent all of his 20's like that. Got married when he was 31, arranged by his parents. Now has a kid. Has a job that doesn't really pay as much as what his experience and role might usually get him. All because he spent a little too much time goofing around while his mates were able to work long and learn more, what he learned in his previous company is now obsolete. Now he says he is too old learn new stuff. And he has a family to support now, he cannot risk with a lower paying job and start from the ground level again. He has to take what he gets.

Yes. That was my early morning breakfast conversation. Delightful isn't it.

Today, I need to find a lesser depressing crowd to hang out with for lunch at least.

Day 58 : Optimistic Nihilist

Do you ever notice that you always keep changing your mind about things way too much? I always do that. I start out actually having a strong opinion about something and by the week's end I will be having radically opposite notion about the very same thing. I cannot really come to be of a strong conviction any one thing really, especially when it is something of the future. 

Do I want to write? Do want to keep doing the work I am currently doing? Do I want to quit and go do college again? If I do, do I want to learn something creative? Or do I just go ahead get a master in the field I am already into? Or do I just quit and go to the Himalayas in search of enlightenment?

I get so confused with these decisions, what do I really want to do with my life? I guess nobody really has an answer to it. But still isn't that the big question, what the heck are we doing with ourselves? Is this all there is to it? Is this what we are all meant to do? There are people out there who do amazing things with their life, right? The magazines are filled with pictures of their accomplishments and great feats. Isn't that what is to be our aim as well? Go out do big things and get our faces pasted on the cover of Time magazine. Isn't that THE dream? To be somebody.

But then I had a really good look at all the "somebody’s that I know/heard of. The famous artists, musicians, actors, intelligent people, thought leaders, party leaders, mass murderers. A big chunk of them became "somebody’s only after they were dead and done. Sure most of them knew a bit of fame when they were alive but a lot of them only came about to be the legends they are today only at retrospect. I respect those somebody’s. The ones that are revered and remembered. Ones that will be remembered even twenty years after they are dead and decomposed.

In today's day and age, there are a lot of famous people doing the rounds. It has become rather easy to become famous these days. All you have to do is have a reality show, have a big butt, or just post picture of a dress on Instagram with questionable color hues. People get famous all the time. And then people also get forgotten all the time. I can guarantee you, for example, thirty years from now you will remember Jennifer Lawrence for her scene outside the theatre in Silver Linings.. More than for her nude pictures that got leaked over the internet a few months ago. Because that is somebody who deserves the fame. She has got the skills. (And the fact that she is irresistibly adorable)

I don't suppose that we are all that memorable. I don't have high hopes that a lot many of us will be remembered more than those coming in the next generation, and only a handful at that if at all. But I do think that if we really got into it at all we are all capable of doing something worth remembering by. I am an optimistic nihilist. While I agree there is no point to any of it, we are all just dead people who just don't know it yet. I also believe that we can also create something  worthwhile and enjoy the time we have on this planet. The whole idea of morals and right and wrong is trivial but gratification for ones desires or hunger or lack thereof, should be our goal.

Today, create something out of love, just for your own sake.

Day 57 : Stop Copying

Have you noticed that these days people do not really converse to each other as much as they used to. I remember when I was a kid, where I used to hang out with a couple of older kids. They lived in another apartment building but ours shared a playground with theirs so we would bump into each other often. Mostly near the water tank after playing a game of cricket or football (I was no good at either of them). We used to sit there the rest of the evening with our back to the cool concrete of the tank and talk.

These kids were complete dorks, I realize now. But back then they I thought them to be really cool, they would talk with me about terrorist beheading and animal mutilation and such; things that the adults would never talk about around me. Do remember, I was in sixth grade back then, though I did look much bigger for my age. I felt smart around them too. They used to include me in their conversation. They played video games, were big fans of Contra and Mario. I'd only get to play the game rarely when I was a kid, I've never had a gaming console all childhood, my father disliked anything remotely addicting. But I did get to play ones with them.

We used to play those WWE Superstar Trading cards. You know, my Mark Henry's biceps beats your Triple H's. We used to play cards, abuse each other, talk cartoons and terrorists, drink cola, abuse each other some more, go home dirty head to toe smelling like piss and mud, but happy through and through.

Now, I do not know where those two kids are. And honestly I do not even remember their last names. But I do remember their faces, and the amiable smiles even they know what this kid three grades below them was talking about something completely lame. You see back when we were kids, we were all stupid, we knew we were stupid to some level, but we never made it a thing to point to other's stupidity and make it like it some big accomplishment if were able to make someone feel dumb. We didn't feel threatened by intelligence, we didn't belittle smart people. We were in awe of them. We inspired to be them. We were kinder back then. We were as we were, natural, unadulterated, and pure. We did not imitate. We hadn't yet learned how to.

Today we are so exposed to external characters and their tailor-made monologues that we can choose to portray any persona by just repeating the dialogues of any of the characters we come across. Want to be sarcastic? Copy Chandler Bing. Want to be snarky smart ass? Copy Sherlock. Want to be the seductive female? Copy that lead in Femme Fatale. Want be the big bad man of the group? Copy Tony Soprano. Want to be the adorable nerd? Copy Leonard Hofstadter. Want to be the bad-ass nerd? Copy Walter White.

There is already a template available for all sorts of people out there. I guess that is why whenever you drift off from someone, you always have a ready excuse for it. 'We never really connected completely.' Well, of course you didn't. You were not being yourself, neither was that person. We are all busy trying to behave like some ideal character that half a dozen spent a decade developing, and earned millions off of it, that we think that we can just copy the same and get cool and liked just by its merit. It doesn't work that way.

People like (or liked) other people, by connecting with that people on a closer, more personal level. By trying to be cooler, and fake, you are hiding your true self. You will never act foolish or be vulnerable around someone if you are hiding yourself away behind an image of someone else. Nobody is perfect, and for me at least, that just works fine. I don't want perfect. Perfect reeks of fake.

Today, stop copying.