Day 15 : Being Chill

I noticed something today. I'd gotten way too laid back than I used to be. I do not get angry at stuff anymore. I cannot remember the last time that I was actually angry at anyone or anything. And that is a huge departure from the way I used to treat every minor offence that used to happen in life. If anything or especially anyone in life gave the slightest cause for friction, I would be up in arms in a matter of seconds.

I was extremely reactionary to everything in life, and that used to reflect with the sort of friends I used to have back then. Guys I used to hang out in my latter days of school, were exactly the sort of people if you saw on the street, would quickly avert your eyes and look the other way. No one liked to be on the receiving end of their teenage rebellion.

This went on for quite a while. I guess I had a bit of it still when I got into high school and college, but this was usually the kind of aggression you'd throw about you when you're provoked. And even then there was always something that would stop me from throwing my fist around. It probably was due to my size, I have always been among the big guys in any group of people I've been in. so clearly any sort of shoving from my side would bruise the other party involved. So I'd conditioned myself early on to avoid doing that. But damn, I do miss shoving somebody around though.

I really don't know what's changed. For most other changes in life, I guess I can state an actual point in time where something or someone helped decide the change. Be it family, or friendship or money. There is always that one incident that shaped or destroyed my outlook on things. But for the loss of this once ever-present aggression I have no answer.

Anger used to be whole lot of fun though. Being able to be the loudest guy in the room did have its advantages. You can practically win any argument. Being right in a debate is second to being the loudest one. 

But now, in this watered down persona that I seemed to have taken up, getting your idea through into the other person's thick skull does take a lot of effort. And damn, is it tedious. There are times when you would just like to that guy's shoulders in your hands and shake him around until the idea you're trying to explain actually filters down into his brain. But heck, no you cannot do that, you are being the non-violent kind remember? You just will have to bite down on your frustration and have another go at it. Get the dumbass to actually comprehend what you are trying to say instead of trying to scare it into him.

Well you can always imagine tearing his limb apart one by one while you are explaining the stuff to him. I am sure that would still count as being mellow. You are only trying to calm yourself by imagining it. Of course that's allowed. Right?