Day 56 : 2013 - The Absent Year

Today started rather odd. On my way to office while boarding the train to work, a random girl started smiling and waving at me. I naturally thought there must be someone standing behind me and that enthusiastic wave is meant for that person. Don't you just hate it when that happens? I ignored this girl; I got into the train, took a seat, put my earplugs in and carried on with the book I was reading (Gone Girl, by G Flynn).

Soon the trained reached my station, too soon actually I was getting to the part where Amy's diary gets discovered, and I got down from the train. And there she was again, this time right in front me, looking straight at me. Surely there was no confusion anymore, I took out my earplugs and asked her if I knew her. She poked at my arm saying, I am being a typical guy, and of course I knew her. She used to living in the same hostel building as me in Pune. We used to eat dinners together in the canteen at times. We did? Did I ever eat in that canteen? I always had a serious dislike for canteen sort of food. There was no way they can afford chicken at those prices, who knows what sort of bird they we end up eating in those places. Plus the oil, there is always a layer of oil floating on top of every curry they ever make.

I just pretended that I did remember her, asked how she was, how come she is in Mumbai, does she work here now, blah blah, the usual. All the while I was trying to remember her name. Damn, I've no clue who she was and here she was talking about the biotech course that my sister (she remembered even her name!) was taking in college. Did I really talk about my sister with her? Who is this girl?

I was practically jogging by then, trying to reach my office building as soon as possible to avoid extending this conversation any longer than it needs to be. Don't get me wrong, the girl was not hideous or anything. Actually she was really pretty in a way. Small and petite, that's always cute. Remember, I am a really tall guy walking fast, so she probably had to run to keep up with me. And that she did. She talked all the way to office. We reached her office first, she demanded my number, got me to promise to keep in touch and we departed our ways. Her joking about something related to a blue moon or something, or was a glue cartoon? Not really sure, she talked way too fast to keep up with half the things she said.

Now here I am at work, done with the pending tasks from yesterday and the crucial ones for today. And all I can think about is that girl. How can I not remember someone? I am always the one who remembers faces. I recognize people I have only met once decades ago and still remember stories about them. My memory might be devastating when it comes to math and such, but with people I am really good.

So I sat there and started to recollect the hostel that she was talking about. It was a mixed hostel, had both guys and girls staying there. I remembered that distinctly. I also remember that there was a canteen near the hostel where folks from there used to go for supper. I can remember

 Only two people from that time, and one of them only because I actually knew him before 2013.

2013. That infamous black hole of my life. Damn, whenever something of this sort happens I can easily map it to this period of total chaos. There were so many things constantly happening with me and to me, I still have no idea what truly went down in those twelve month. Them shrinks call it PTSD or something. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, does that mean there was something that bad in 2013 that my brain is trying its best to completely record over. Damn, no I am curious what that might be. In our totally mediocre daily routine, I'd be really shocked to know that something this traumatic can actually happen to someone. It’s not like we are the 20-somethings fighting war killing people. Or out there getting abused on a daily basis. I sure hope no one is.

2013, draws a complete blank inside my head at times. So if you met me during this time. Or if there was something I did or say during this time. Please don't think too much of it, I was probably working on auto-pilot all that time. And if you had loaned me some money during that time. Definitely, forget about it.

Today, I plan go through my 2013 Facebook and Blogger posts. Maybe I'd find some clues to the puzzle there.

Day 55 : Lie and Bullsh*t Continuum

Life today is like a bunch of back to back totally made-up stories of grandeur with intermittent sprinkle of cheating and pizza. We spend a lot of time inside our own made up universe, so that the outside world doesn't seem too real and disappointing to us. Inside our heads we are chic and cool, speak all big smart words, walk confidently and smell delicious. While the truth is half the words you say cannot be understood by anyone, and you walk like Cramer in Seinfeld, and you smell too much like a funeral home with all that perfume you drowned yourself in to cover the stench of sweat. People sweat a lot more than they think they do!

Every time you open your Facebook or Twitter or WhatsApp, you will find a bunch of pictures of people travelling to exotic places, throwing big parties, wishing each others on engagements or a big promotion. Then you also join in with the other cattle and 'moo' in your congratulatory words. All the while, you gossip with the person standing next to you (or the voice inside of your head) how the person who got that promotion had an affair with his/her boss. Or how the person who's been travelling to all those exotic places has a drug problem. Or how that colleague who is throwing a big party, for which you were not invited, is gay.

All that stories you yourself heard from somewhere may or may not be true. And frankly, you wouldn't give a damn either way, because lying has become such a part of our daily routine that we tend to unquestioningly consume every story about everyone. The more controversial they are, the more it spreads within the masses. We have grown to enjoy scandalizing everyone's life so much that there are some people who actually feel disappointed when they find that there aren't many stories been circulating about them of late. They begin to feel like they have let themselves down.

That's the part that I do not get. When did we all begin to worry so much of the stories that people perceive about us. Oh, you bought a new tank top? Please do take a picture of you in it and share with the 1000-odd strangers you have on your Facebook, and the couple of future stalker pervert you added unknowingly because they had mutual friends with you.

It is not only the girls that confuse me. Historically this idea of a "Man" has been to keep his feelings locked inside, and just flex his biceps and grunt his way through life. The more emotionally available and mysterious a guy is more appealing he is to the female crowd. Now, I see Twitter being used like a shrink's couch where every single guy just feels compelled to push his innermost feelings and thoughts about every single thing on this planet. No matter how inappropriately creepy or offensive they may be.

Our lying in social media is like a gateway drug for our real one. The way we portray ourselves in the Facebook, bleeds into our social like with real-life human beings. Questions like 'You seemed so smart and articulate, how come you are such a dork in real life?’ are much more common these days.

You are not what you show yourself to be in there. You cannot pack your dog poop in glitter paper and sell it to people as Sneaker bars. It just doesn't work that way. You are what you are, weird pithy and unique. Just like the 8 billion other people on this planet. You are not going to change yourself just by putting up and allowing yourself to be tagged in only the good posts in social media. Just like the billions of other people on that site.

You are never going to be all that grand in real life. But that does in no way mean that
the ordinary you are any less special.

Stop lying. Stop bullsh*tting.

Be good. That's all that counts.
 

Day 54 : Writing

"Why do you write?"

I don't know. Writing is a sort of outlet for all of the things that one needs to speak. Everyone has something to say. Most of the time it does not all that groundbreaking or unique, but for the one who is writing it, each sentence that he/she manages to form is a huge accomplishment of its own.

Everyone who writes will tell the same thing. Every time a person opens up his word processor on his computer or sits in front of a blank page on his desk with a pen in his hand, he will for the majority of the time just stare at it thinking where to begin. It is sort of easier when you are in the middle of a story, you look at the past few paragraph get a feel of how the plot's been progressing and get back to that place inside your head where all of this is actually happening and you got it all done, creating a whole new universe out of thin air.

A lot of people keep saying that you are what you write. There is a lot of nascent confession in whatever a person writes. I suppose that is right. Most writers do want to make readers feel like they relate to writer. The writer is not an alien being with long limbs, pale skin and one eye on his forehead. He/she is just as common as you and I are, only that he is spends most of his life indoors cooped up on his sofa binge watching television series and cursing at how good they're written. At the end of each awesome season finale (Breaking Bad!) he enthusiastically pulls out his laptop on the coffee table and starts punching keys away feeling inspired. That last for about six pages. Soon he realizes he has written himself into a corner and doesn't really know where he could take the plot from there.

But as frustrating as it can be, writing is actually a lot of fun; especially when you actually get to complete something worthwhile. It is such a rush. It does get to be a bit exhausting, and you do have to invest a lot into it. But in the end, man does it feel so good!

Writing is one thing I enjoy a lot - creating stories, and people, and plot, and surprises. This week, looks like I will be completing first draft of my very first short story!

:) :) :)

Day 53 : The Voices In Our Head

There is a little flower that blooms on the pile of garbage, on a piece of bark, on a moss of green.

I've never seen a sight more hopeful, this flurry of color, on brown and dirt, in the midst of stink and reek.

I look at the life of those around me, and mine. At the toil and the gripe we feel it to be. At the helplessness we feel trying to cope with it.

There must be something that still pushes us forward. To live each day. Survive as best as we could, not give in to the despair. Why then must we think of putting up with this torture each day?

I see strength when people to put a strong face and go about their lives. Or is it pride?

We are all too strong for our own good I guess. We are all maybe waiting for someone to hear our silent calls for help. We are all needy but hate to show it.

We still dream of it. We think someone will come save us. So we wait, hoping for the day to come.

That is why we all do not give in to the voices in our heads. After all, nobody will hear our cries with the barrel of a gun between our teeth.

Day 52 : Grandeur

Grandeur. This is another big disease that mankind's been afflicted with. We are all very much a victim/culprit of this. We believe in our bones that we are much better than the people around us or that we are living a life that is much beneath us. We are built for greater things.

While the later part does sound pretty true. We are all meant for greater things but that does not mean that those great things will have to bow down to us and be awestruck at the sight of our infinite glory. While we sit there on our sorry butts twiddling our thumbs.

We are all bigger than they lives we live. I don't suppose anyone, no matter how rich or famous is really content with what he/she has. We all want more; mainly because we all think we all deserve it. It is also this very thinking that sows the seed of greed, despise, animosity, and petty quarrels.

I suppose the only thing that makes us a different from the kindergarten kids is that our sense of grandeur while does incite negativity in us; it can often inspire us to accomplish amazing achievements. Make ungodly inventions, do great things, amass an indecent amount of wealth. All that because we honestly believe that we deserve more.

I wish we grander still in our humanity.

Don't you think world would be a much beautiful place if there were more people thought it in their power to be gracious and generous. Love each other, respect each other's life, tend to their needs, and help the needy. I suppose our sense of alpha dog, could also very well be used sometimes to take care of the underdogs. They too deserve it.

Today, be a grander 'humane' being.

Day 51 : Pragmatism

 

Pragmatism - the international craze that is taking our specie by storm.

It is basically defined as:

PRAG·MA·TISM (noun)

“Dealing with things sensibly and realistically in a way that is based on practical rather than theoretical considerations.”

 Meaning, do not do something because it 'feels' right. Rather because you have thought about it from an objective point of view and are now confident that the outcome of it will be to your benefit, or that you desire.

Our greed feeds this notion. Greed is more a notion of the brain than heart, I think. I believe our brain would be the one to sneak off with a few bucks from the charity box at the church. Our heart would be the one that gives out half of your sandwich to the beggar standing out of your church asking for food. A pragmatic would never give him a dime or a slice of bread. Where is the benefit in that?

That is just the greed part of it. Maybe greed is a good thing. When coupled with passion and zest for success, that does lead to big deeds. When this greed seeps into the decisions that are better made from the heart, that's when the trouble really starts. You see, I honestly believe that there should've been some way to classify decisions that our heart and our brain should be each allowed to undertake. Like a restaurant waitress ad her dangerous psycho ex-husband, these two must never be allowed to hundred feats of each other.

Our heart is stupid when it comes to taking financial decisions, or those that affect our professional growth. At the same time our brain is helplessly incompetent in taking any sort of emotional decisions. They are both very strong, but better apart. The day when these two pitch in together for a deliberate that is when you have a disaster in the making.

This is where pragmatism comes into play. Most of the decisions that we end up regretting are the ones that we take too soon. And the decisions that you take given time, are the ones that seem to be the most logical ones. Sure, there are no guarantees that these are always going to be the best option for you. But then these are the ones where you had enough time to weigh whether you had any options at all.

Being practical, logical, rational, might sound all too pretty. We all want to be the person who always takes the right decisions in life, and have no regrets. However unrealistic that sounds. The only guarantee that we can have in life is that you will make decisions that would end up being wrong for you, and you will have your won fair share of regrets. But jumping into things to soon, or backing away from things too soon would only increase the probability of adding more things into the list of things you regret in life.

Today, be pragmatic. Today, weigh your options. Today let your heart and your brain think for themselves, and only for themselves.

Day 50 : You're not the Master of Your Own Destiny

We are all inherently narcissistic specie. We all have a sense of grandeur that we take for granted each day; the sense that we matter. We are all somebody and the each thing that we do or say or feel matters.

Honestly, I don't think any of it does amount to much really. Things in the world are always going to happen even if we do not go out of our ways to craft our destiny. Sure there are a bunch of image quotes out there that would preach to you otherwise. The "You are the Master of your own Destiny" bull crap. Do you actually think any of that is true?

How many of us can truly say that they have always wanted to be where they are right now in life? Did you actually hope to have this dead end job? Or live in that garbage dump of an apartment? Or have such a destructive relationship with your folks? Or such a prick of a spouse? No one plans on getting screwed by life. It just happens. Some Master of Destiny we are.

We are all just specks of dust in the grand scale of things. And by that I am in no ways proposing the theory that there is some grand plan for all that is happening around us. Really? What was the grand plan in a four year old girl getting violated by a tire wrench? Or when a douche bag wins a jackpot only to drink himself to death?

There is no grand plan to anything. You are no master of your own destiny. Things are, just because they are. You can only pretend to have any semblance of control over it. But in just a fraction of a second, your life as you know it can be turned upside down without you even realizing it.

The best that anyone can really hope for is to be able to live a decent life, be good to each other, not make many enemies, and die knowing that you've known true joy during you existence on this planet. I could add love to that equation, but I guess that is a conversation for a different time altogether. Love as its defined now, doesn't really exist. Love is just best form companionship that does not depend on some sort of greed. If it does, it isn't love.

I won't pretend to know what the whole point of our existence is. But I will surely say this much that. Our life doesn't have to mean anything. And if we keep fixating on giving it a meaning. All we would be accomplishing is watching the days go by and suddenly we are a bunch of 80 year olds with a lot of unfulfilled dreams.

Today, stop corrupting your minds with unrealistic mumbo jumbo.